Giving You Some History...

So I basically forgot about this blog I had.  And I've been on another site.  When I 'rediscovered' this one, I thought I would play a little catch-up.  So here is a post from July 2011.

Life Goes On….

Jul17

So, things have been hectic to say the least.  Our divorce was final on July 5th.  And I took him to the airport on the 6th – so he could take off to Mexico and be with the one he claims to love.  How crazy is that!?!?  Most people think I’m nuts for doing that.  But my reasoning is that I could then know 100% where my son was when the ‘ex’ was leaving the country.  I wish I could say I trust him to do the right thing when it comes to our son….but honestly, I don’t know who he is anymore.  His own family and coworkers say the same thing.  No one knows how one person could possibly change so completely.  How can one’s personality completely change practically over night?

It’s pretty sad.  As mentioned in numerous posts, I hate that we couldn’t make it work.  But more than that – if we couldn’t succeed….I was hoping that we could be on friendly terms for our son’s sake.  And so far, I believe my son has not felt any ill feelings or animosity between us.  HOWEVER….I’m not sure how long I can take the hidden agendas and secrets and back-stabbing that comes from his father.  He is really good at manipulating people.  He plays mind-games.  And if you aren’t careful, you get caught up in it before you know it!

I could go on and on about all of the manipulation he’s attempted lately….but I’ve decided to move on and I don’t care to rehash it.  I can say however, that I truly believed that I had forgiven him…but after some things I’ve discovered recently (some of which proves that he was in this relationship PRIOR to his leaving – as I suspected and he denied)….I am going to have to work on the forgiveness again.  Because right now, I’m pissed.

I have also decided to take charge of my life in other areas too.  For as many years as I can remember, I’ve allowed my life to revolve around men.  All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved and wanted by a man.  This doesn’t mean that I can’t stand on my own two feet….because I can.  I have in the past and can again.  But I prefer to be in a relationship.  However, because of this way of thinking – I depended too much on man to complete my world.  To make me happy.  To feel loved and worthy.  And, of course, I’ve been let down greatly because let’s face it – we humans are…..human.

I know that I should have had my focus on God first.  Actually, I thought I had that one down.  But for the past few years, I’ve come to realize that I did not put God first.  I am still struggling with that.  Iwant to depend on God and have that relationship that I’ve always desired.  But I can’t seem to ‘remember’ to put Him first.  I can’t ‘remember’ to go to Him daily.  I can’t ‘remember’ to read His word. 

I don’t know if it’s all of the stress I’ve been under for so long or the ‘fibro-fog’ or peri-menopause that has my brain barely functioning any more.  But I do good to make it through the day anymore.  My mind is so scattered.  Forget about reading.  Or praying most days.  It’s not on purpose…..I just can’t slow down….or when I do, I fall asleep.  Part of it is that I just can’t bring myself to think too deeply for too long.  I guess I’m afraid that I might have to deal with some issues or emotions that I just don’t think I can handle right now.  Does that make sense?

This has led me to consider making a few more changes in my life.  My job for one.  I have come to the conclusion that I need a change.  If I simply processed paperwork – it wouldn’t be so bad.  But, because I also have to deal with everyone complaining and whining….it’s gotten really old.  I do not believe I’ve ever seen so many ugly, hateful acting people in my life!  For a place where we are supposed to have a heart for others….there sure is a lot of backstabbing and lying and outright deceit.  Oh don’t get me wrong…I understand that this goes on in most places.  But not to this extent, believe me! 

Then when you add that somewhere, somehow the employees feel entitled to have everything their way and immediately.  They do not feel accountable for anything and they don’t care about their responsibilities.  It definitely makes you dread going to work.

So, I find myself thinking about other employment these days.  Problem is….I don’t have a college degree.  I have a couple of certificates of completion….but no actual degree.  Yes, I could go back to school….but again, I don’t think my brain and my stress limit will allow for this.  The other problem is pay.  When I look around at what people are being paid…..I feel I better stay where I’m at for now.  I guess you could say that I’ve kind of worked myself into a corner and can find no way out just yet.

The other is my daughter.  I love, love, love her.  And she has been a great kid.  I’m proud of her.  However, she’s been going through some stuff of her own.  I believe that my divorce was the breaking point for her.  He and she got along great in the beginning….but as the years passed by, it became more strained until it was complete bitterness.  He played mind games with her too many times.  He hurt her greatly.  BUT – bottom line was that he was her ‘dad’ when her own dad was nowhere to be found all her life.

So, when we split up….she became very angry. She was/is constantly mad at everyone around.  No one can do right by her.  She became the most hateful and hurtful person to me…..I’ve never experienced anything like it.  And most times, I simply sat there stunned and looked at her because I had no idea who she was anymore.  She and I were always close and could talk about anything….but that is no more.  I was to the point of telling her to pack her things and move out (she’s almost 19 now).

She then decided to go ahead with her plans for school (after taking a year off).  However, she needs me to pay for part of it because her scholarship and grants won’t pay for it all.  I agreed to help her on one condition – and that is she has to seek counseling to work through the anger and whatever else she is experiencing.  She agreed.

So here we are.  I have decided to take no more bull from the ‘ex’, the angry daughter and/or the folks at work who seek to make life miserable for everyone around them.  Don’t bother….I won’t accept being walked on any longer!

I’m also considering a move.  I like small towns.  I’m sick of the big ones.  I don’t need to live where there are nightclubs etc.  I want peaceful.  I want simple.  Less stress.  I want friendly faces that you recognize.    And I want water (we are all running out of water due to the drought in this area).  I now have to find one where I can make a living….

So like I said in the title….Life Goes On…..and I will continue…..and I will strive for happiness and contentment…..and guess what?  I WILL SUCCEED~!!!

Just Touching Base

I haven't posted for a few days.  It's been hectic around here.  I'm still on the emotional roller-coaster with my hubby.  So not much has changed.

I will say that I have been trying to sort out my feelings.  I feel like such an idiot on one hand.  And a quitter on the other.  And I suppose it will depend on the reader's views and belief system in which one I would be labeled.

I can honestly say that I really CARE about my husband.  I even like him most of the time.  I heard a while back that Love is not so much a feeling as a choice.  If that is true - then I may love him too.  If it's feelings.....well, then I can't say that I do.  That part died quite some time ago.

I DO believe that God can move in our lives and if we are willing, He can heal and repair.  However, the key word is 'willing' - which is the difficult part.  I have made a conscious effort to be open to God's will and allow Him to work in my life.  I desire to remain married because I know it's God's will AND I believe He can make a difference.  However, I also have very frank conversations with God.  And He knows that I don't feel I can take my husband back and live the way we had been....there would definitely have to be changes made.  On BOTH our parts.

However, my hubby is not feeling the same.  He is fine to work with me (we work at the same place) - and we are doing fine with relating with each other when it comes to our son - for the most part.  BUT, that is it.  He is NOT willing to go to marriage counseling.  He is NOT willing to do anything more to try to repair our marriage.  So, knowing that God allows us free-will, I don't see that things will get any better.

So, I went to visit an attorney today.  To see what it is going to cost me to 'let my hubby go' once and for all.  Yes, I know that I can wait it out and make hubby pay for the process.....but is that REALLY in my best interest?  I'm not so sure.  I do have to think about my future and my rights when it comes to our son.

Later, I told hubby I was going to 'let him go' - and he thanked me.  He apologized for not being able to 'make things work'.  Dang that hurts.  I hate it.  But, life goes on.

So, I guess I simply ask for prayers from those who are praying people - that God be with us as we go through the process and ultimately that our little boy will be okay.  That hubby and I are able to create a secure and loving environment for our son.

In addition:  I have decided to sign up for Weight Watchers online.  Just to give me that additional boost I need.  I have been a little slow at the tracking part....because I tend to 'forget' (thank you Fibromyalgia).  But, I'm getting caught up and looking forward to getting this RIGHT!  Wish me luck!

Also due to the brain fog that comes with the Fibromyalgia - I have forgotten to take my St. John's Wort for the past 3 days.....and boy, am I feeling it!  I hurt from head to toe......just about every inch of me.  I've placed the bottle where I cannot miss them in the morning - and we will hope that things get lined back out!  AND, I am continuing to pray and speak with God about my healing.  I believe it's in process....it's working.....it just takes time.

Been watching the new season line-up of network television shows this evening.  So far, nothing really excites me.  I will comment more on that later in the week when I get to see some more.

For now, I'm calling it a night.

I'm Confused...

I have so many things running thru my mind.  I don't even know where to start.  I suppose that this is part of my journey - the part that God is revealing to me.  But I find myself not only being confused, but saddened and worried and anxious.

Don't get me wrong - I have NO doubts about God and His love for me.  None.  But it doesn't alleviate what rolls around in my head.  I went to a place for healing last week and the couple who prayed over me also spent an hour and a half speaking on different things concerning one's relationship with God etc.  The man mentioned that when all of that 'stuff' starts up in the old brain that it is 'the Evil One' messing around.  We should command the 'the Evil One' leave us alone immediately.

So I've been doing that.  A lot.  And, I do believe it is helping.  However, when the hectic part of my life starts up.....I tend to fall back into the old habits again. *sigh*  It's SO tiring!  I will be glad when it becomes a more natural part of my being.

Here is an example:  After 9 years, my husband walks out on us.  I think I may have mentioned that in a previous post.  I don't feel like addressing the specific details at this time.....but basically, once the shock wore off, I'm now finding myself wanting to celebrate.  At the same time, I'm feeling guilty about that.  I KNOW that it is not God's will for a marriage to end.  I KNOW that it is the devil's desire to destroy that which is of God - ie., marriage.

So it's a constant battle to tell myself to stop saying and thinking the negative things about our marriage, about my spouse etc.  And at the same time, remind myself that the guilt part is part of the devil's work too.  *sigh*  Just writing this out is exhausting to me - see what I mean!?

Now in this example I will tell you that I truly want this marriage to reconcile and work not only for our young son, but because it's God's will and I don't want to be divorced.  I heard recently that love is not a feeling but a choice.  So I suppose I can say that I do love my husband....but I'm not IN love (meaning with the warm, fuzzy feelings).  And, I DON'T want him back unless things were different.

And believe me, I'm NOT blaming all of this on him.  Although I DO blame him for bailing on us without exhausting ALL other options.

Well, this is enough for now - I need to take a break and get some stuff done around the house.

Officially "Separated"

I guess I should first explain to you how I currently stand.  Then, in another blog or two, I will give a brief outline of my background/history.  And, if you care to, feel free to journey alone with me to see what God has in store for my life now!

My husband decided to walk out on me last week.  We weren't arguing or anything.  He just hops up all of a sudden, says he feels really bad - "but he just can't be here anymore."  What!?  "I just don't want to do this anymore.  I'm leaving."  Needless to say, I was left quite speechless for a bit.  Yes, we've been struggling for quite some time (which I will explain in later posts) - but we were laying there cuddling and watching television and BAM!  This happens out of the clear blue!

Please understand that I'm still reeling from all of this and am so exhausted I can hardly function.  So if I don't blog for a day or two in between at first - that would be the reason.  Hang with me.

Our beautiful Four-Year-Old son is not handling it perfectly....but is okay so far.  He tries real hard not to cry - he wants to be strong for his daddy.  But he's worn out - and I know its because of all of the stress.

My daughter (from a previous marriage) - is also on a roller-coaster of emotions too.  I don't think she realized how this would effect her. Again, because of the history here.....I will leave this alone until I can fill you in completely about her situation.

Part of the reasons for him walking out - is my health.  He sees "himself pushing me around in a wheelchair w/an oxygen tank in 5 years.  And he doesn't want that."  Okay - so let me clarify to you that I am in NO WAY in that bad a shape.  Yes, I have fibromyalgia - which means I am in constant pain.  BUT, I have found how to lessen it and make it tolerable.  And Yes, I am overweight.  But I don't have a lot of health issues related to it and I AM trying to lose some, thank you very much!

Again, I will say more later.  But wanted to just say that even thru the stuff that has been happening this week - I'm still receiving God's blessings!  I had been praying for Him to move in my life and to reveal a path for me.  And it's happening!

I can hardly wait to tell you about it!

Until next time....if you are a praying person, please pray for my family.  If not, that's okay - please stick around just the same.