HE DIDN’T SAY IT WOULD BE EASY….OR PAINLESS….. (June 2013 Post)

HE DIDN’T SAY IT WOULD BE EASY….OR PAINLESS…..

Jun2

I have had a rough couple of weeks.  I am frustrated with myself – which seems to be a recurring issue.  One that I am trying to work on but have a long ways to go!

If you have been reading my posts you know that I have been trying a detox program.  One that is supposed to get my system straightened up (hormones, candida, you name it).  In turn, it is supposed to make you feel better and ultimately lose weight.  Let me first say I’m very hard-headed (just ask anyone who knows me personally – Ha!).  So please do not think that I am giving up though I am struggling.

I just read something that a Twitter friend sent me as he realized that I was having a rough time – and it certainly gave me some things to think about.  Actually, there are quite a few things that came to mind while reading it – but for now I’m going to stick to just a couple of things.

As mentioned in my previous post - I backslid in my detox program.  I couldn’t take the pain from what they call ‘healing crisis’.  I wimped out.  At least that is my self-talk of late.  Negative self-talk is where I struggle the most in my life.  Logically, I KNOW better.  I KNOW that it is not of God.  I KNOW.  But I have a hard time with it just the same.

I have learned loads of things concerning nutrition and how how body works during this journey.  So on the positive side, if I were to completely stop now I can say that I have gained knowledge that I didn’t have prior to this program.

Once I stopped the liquid-only portion of the detox program – the part that caused my fibromyalgia to flare up – I simply have had a hard time getting back on task.  I started feeling better when I started eating again – so that was good.  But it seems that by the end of that week, I had fallen completely off of the wagon and easily went right back into my old habits.  By the end of the following week – I am extremely exhausted.  Its as if I have had absolutely no sleep.  I can’t think straight.  I can’t focus.  I have no desire to do anything at all.  I also find myself anxious and stressed for no reason.  And I am irritable and grumpy – which is not my nature….it only shows up when I’m tired and stressed.  I also struggle with my writing, which is very discouraging.

As the author of that post I read – there is One who knows what is in store for me.  He alone knows the path I will take and what lies in my future.  I simply have to have faith and rely fully on God.  I believe that is where I am coming up short. 

You see, I realize these things – but struggle with them ‘sticking’ – if you know what I mean.  I don’t know if it is the focus issue I have or not….but I do not that my clarity was improving as I was on this program.  So I am determined to figure out what works for me.

What is going to be different?  First, I am going to stop ‘trying’ to do it myself.  Though I’ve said that I am relying on God – I have concluded that I only do that to an extent. I pray for help but that is as far as it has gone lately.  I even struggle with finding the words to say – though I am well aware that He knows my heart.  I believe that.

I also hope to get to a place where I will replace the negative self-talk to some serious God-talk.  Instead of talking to myself and beating myself up – why not talk to God and let Him speak to me!?  

I’m not going to do the liquid portion of that program again.  But I am going to take the things I’m learning about God’s wonderful creations – our bodies and the wonderful, natural foods He provides for us.  I am going to try juicing I think.  See how it goes.  That seems to be a good way to get an abundance of nutrients in a simple manner.

Also, I haven’t really ‘connected’ with most of my classmates from school.  I find that I am so unhappy with myself and how I have let myself go – that I don’t feel the strength and self-confidence to face people from my skinny days.  However, for some reason – a few weeks ago, I ‘friended’ an old classmate on FB.  I was somewhat in awe of his life.  He and his wife were in the Boston Marathon this year.  And from what I could tell, they run….a lot.  I’ve always wanted to run….but even when I was thin, it didn’t seem a possibility – don’t ask why, because I have no idea why I thought that except that I had very low self-esteem when I was younger.

Recently, he posted a pic of him AND his wife standing inside of a pair of pants that he used to wear!  I asked him how he did it being that he was physically in such bad shape.  He then told me his story.  He has now become one of my role models – though he doesn’t know it.  But it has inspired me to do what I’ve wanted to for years.

I don’t know if I will actually make it to the degree that he has – I don’t even know that it is something I am interested in doing.  But I do believe that I will at least get to the point that I can run – if I want to.

And on a final note, I have been through a lot in my life.  Many say they can’t believe how strong I am or how much I’ve had to deal with and come out of it with such victory.  Example:  My kids have been raised by a single mom – and they are good, well-mannered kids!  No drugs, gangs, pregnancies etc. And above all – they know about God and how to count on Him! 

So this is the toughest thing I’ve had to deal with in quite some time.  And I believe that most of it is because of my own shortcomings.  My own stubborn ways.  My own fear of failure – which in turn makes me quit BEFORE failing.  BUT – I know where the answer lies.  I know deep down that I simply need to STOP.  Stop trying.  Stop doing.  Stop relying on my own abilities.  

Instead, fully rely on God – not halfway.  Wait on Him – which is what I started doing, but stopped.  My self-talk will now be to remind myself over and over and over….as long as it takes to become victorious.  

If you are a praying person – I would appreciate it if you add me to your prayer list!  And as always – I will keep you posted!

Thanks!

I WILL STAND AGAINST FEAR! (May 2013 Post)

I WILL STAND AGAINST FEAR!

May19

Today I listened to a message that lead me further into my health issues.  And I now have so much rolling around in my mind, I’m not sure that I can adequately write this in a manner to convey what I’m thinking and feeling.

What was revealed to me today is that Satan wants us to live in bondage of fear and anxiety (as I’ve mentioned in a previous post).  He uses these things to keep us from living God’s will.  We are instructed over and over in the bible that we are not to fear – so we know that fear is not of God.

In the message I heard, my pastor said ‘There is a difference between sickness and a spirit of sickness’.  Just stop and think about that for a minute.  If you haven’t had a chronic illness, this may not impact you quite as much as it has me.

This really hit home with me though.  Because I have been in such bad health and hurting for so long, I had finally given in to the fact that this would be the way the rest of my life would go.  I would simply have to find a way to ‘deal’ with the pain and fatigue and go on.  However, as I’ve mentioned before – I DON’T WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY!

The devil can hold us in bondage mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually or even socially.  We must remember that through Christ we have been set free.  It’s out birthright.  Our gift from God.  Our Father has done His part and given us the freedom.  We simply need to accept it.  To stand up and refuse to live in bondage any more!

If you think about it – this can be applied to anything you are battling in life.  Not just a health issue.  Are you under financial bondage? Pornography? What about drugs, alcohol, cutting, anger or depression?  How about negative self-talk?  I used to do that a lot.  I battled the inner voice telling me that I am a disappointment to God.

God will never bless fear-based decisions and therefore, we must CHOOSE to become absolutely intolerant to bondage.  We must stand against the bondage that Satan tries to put on us so that God can bless us for doing His will.

Here is an example on a personal level.  As many of you know, I am working not only on losing weight but mainly focusing on improved physical health by going through a detox program.  I actually did pretty well in the beginning – but before long, the symptoms of my fibromyalgia got worse than ever before!  I was in a very bad place.  I missed work. I wanted to give up.  I wanted to scrap the whole thing and go back to the way things were.

However, after much praying – God revealed to me that even though I was on the right track with the clean eating, I was listening to others instead of Him.  Once I understood and decided to hang in there – I have been attacked like you wouldn’t believe.  There is so much information coming at me from all sides – that it is not even possible to sort through it and know which information is correct!

But Satan has misjudged me.  Tell me I can’t do something and it makes me even more determined!  I am still standing against all that he is throwing my way and trusting in God alone.  GOD is my anchor.  He is my teacher.  He is walking me through this and I will be victorious because I choose God’s will.  God is leading me through this journey and I am not giving up.

Have a great week, everyone!  And, choose to stand strong!

We ARE Healed – Did You Know? (May 2013 Post)

We ARE Healed – Did You Know?

May12

Over the past few years I have seen many friends and loved ones suffer due to health issues.  I’ve lost several to health-related issues.  It’s heartbreaking.  And every time something inside of me screams that THIS IS NOT RIGHT!  Why must we suffer so?  

 

Yes, I understand about sin in the world and how it creates havoc for everyone.  And illness is a direct result of such evil all around us.  I don’t question that.  However, if I am to believe that God loves me/us and that we can lean on Him – then I wonder how so many of us can suffer so much?

 

A few years ago, my dad started watching someone on television teaching that maybe we need to reconsider what we how we pray, how we really stand on faith and what we BELIEVE that God will do or has already done for us.  This led to he and I both studying and reading on what for us was a new concept.  Something we had never been taught in church.  Now, I am not one to preach or stuff my beliefs and scriptures down any person’s throat.  But let me share a couple of things here and then you can decide to take it or leave it. 

 

First of all – I believe that we receive further, deeper understanding and wisdom the more we study God’s word.  And that through His word, things are eventually revealed to us as we are ready to receive them.  So, before simply denying or refusing these ideas because possibly no one has ever taught it to us – why not consider whether this is something He is leading us to? 

 

Proverbs 4:20-22 (NIV): My son, pay attentions to what I say; listen closely to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to a man’s whole body.

 

1 Peter 2:24(NIV): He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.

 

2 Peter 1:2-3(NIV):  Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.  His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

 

Matthew 8:17(NIV): This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah: He took up our infirmities and carried our diseases.

 

For more scripture examples, see this article: http://www.awmi.net/extra/article/healing_niki

Bottom line for me is that we would see so many more blessings of healing if more people truly believed that we have already been given the healing – we simply have to accept the gift and receive it with faith.  It’s one thing to ‘say’ that we believe in God’s healing for us and another to simply accept and say ‘Thank you God, for the healing’ – don’t you think?

 

Maybe I’m making it too simple…but for me it works.  Trust me when I say I can analyze the crud out of something until it drives me nuts.  But I have come to my own conclusion that God doesn’t play mind games.  He doesn’t make life such a mystery and a puzzle that few people will ‘get it’.  I’m sorry, I simply can’t believe that.  To me, making it so complicated that most people miss the boat is a cruel thing to do.  It’s not a loving thing that a Father would do to His children.

 

SO – my dad and I both have practiced this over the past few years – and we have seen miraculous healing!  Does it happen instantly?  It hasn’t in most cases….but we believe we must continually show our faith and accept the healing even when it’s not immediately produced.

 

Even with the Fibromyalgia that I currently have – I trust that I have been healed.  The healing is slow in being manifested because there is other ‘garbage’ that I believe I need to deal with first.  I believe that as I release some of the other issues in my life, hand them over to God as I should have in the first place, the pain from the Fibro will diminish.  I’ve already seen it.  When I let the stress go – the pain goes.  When  I pray and meditate on God’s grace and thank Him for His healing – the symptoms begin to disappear.  My weakness is that I fall back into the habits of trying to deal with things on my own….and before I know it, the Fibro pain is back.

 

Regardless, I am growing and learning every day – and I trust that I am where I need to be at this time in my life.  God is with me and I am healed!  Thank God!

Sometimes It Hurts First (May 2013 Post)

Sometimes It Hurts First

May7

As mentioned in my previous post – I am on the road to a better life, a better me.  I stumbled across a weight-loss program that focused more on the toxins etc in your body rather than the typical plans everyone is familiar with these days.  It teaches you how the things you put in your body such as preservatives, sugars, etc. can negatively affect the way your body functions.  It teaches you how to detox your system so you can get back on track.

SO – I decided to do the plan and get my system ‘cleaned out’ and refreshed – rebooted, if you will.  While building up to the actual detox process, you prep by eating nothing but vegetables and very lean chicken or fish.  No biggie – I like veggies and chicken!  I got this in the bag! Or so I thought….

Actually, you can’t have anything that has gluten, sugars, vinegar, grains.  Do you know how hard that is in reality!?!?!  It’s tough.  Every time I thought of something I could eat – I was wrong.  Don’t get me wrong – I have no problem with veggies at all – but after a while, it’s difficult to find variable ways to prepare them.  Even dressings are near impossible to find that don’t have at least vinegar in them.

Needless to say – I’ve struggled.  However, I did stick to it enough to lose some weight.  So next comes the detox.  I started it on Saturday and instantly I have had the worst fibromyalgia flare-up ever!  The pain has been almost unbearable. My brain is foggy and I can’t seem to think clearly or to focus properly.  I was starting to get concerned.

During this time, I struggled in my thought life – did I ‘misunderstand’ what I thought God was leading me to do concerning my weight and more importantly health issues?  Is this the wrong thing to do?  Am I once again trying to ‘do it on my own’?  I could drive myself crazy with all of the ‘what ifs’ – which means I was falling back into my old routine – and stressing over things – again!

I decided that I was going to stick this out and shut those chronic negative thoughts down immediately.  I contacted my doctor about what was going on and he explained that it is part of the process.  He called it Health Crisis – where your body is actually ridding itself of the toxins and garbage that has loaded up over the years.  BUT, if I stick with it, I will begin to start feeling much better and have increased energy.

SO – I am in constant prayer and seeking God’s hand in leading me through this new but difficult journey.  I realize that sometimes we must weather the difficult, the stuff that hurts in order to come out on top at the end.

Thank You, Father for being there for me.  Thank You for blessing me with the ability to become victorious!

Just Touching Base

I haven't posted for a few days.  It's been hectic around here.  I'm still on the emotional roller-coaster with my hubby.  So not much has changed.

I will say that I have been trying to sort out my feelings.  I feel like such an idiot on one hand.  And a quitter on the other.  And I suppose it will depend on the reader's views and belief system in which one I would be labeled.

I can honestly say that I really CARE about my husband.  I even like him most of the time.  I heard a while back that Love is not so much a feeling as a choice.  If that is true - then I may love him too.  If it's feelings.....well, then I can't say that I do.  That part died quite some time ago.

I DO believe that God can move in our lives and if we are willing, He can heal and repair.  However, the key word is 'willing' - which is the difficult part.  I have made a conscious effort to be open to God's will and allow Him to work in my life.  I desire to remain married because I know it's God's will AND I believe He can make a difference.  However, I also have very frank conversations with God.  And He knows that I don't feel I can take my husband back and live the way we had been....there would definitely have to be changes made.  On BOTH our parts.

However, my hubby is not feeling the same.  He is fine to work with me (we work at the same place) - and we are doing fine with relating with each other when it comes to our son - for the most part.  BUT, that is it.  He is NOT willing to go to marriage counseling.  He is NOT willing to do anything more to try to repair our marriage.  So, knowing that God allows us free-will, I don't see that things will get any better.

So, I went to visit an attorney today.  To see what it is going to cost me to 'let my hubby go' once and for all.  Yes, I know that I can wait it out and make hubby pay for the process.....but is that REALLY in my best interest?  I'm not so sure.  I do have to think about my future and my rights when it comes to our son.

Later, I told hubby I was going to 'let him go' - and he thanked me.  He apologized for not being able to 'make things work'.  Dang that hurts.  I hate it.  But, life goes on.

So, I guess I simply ask for prayers from those who are praying people - that God be with us as we go through the process and ultimately that our little boy will be okay.  That hubby and I are able to create a secure and loving environment for our son.

In addition:  I have decided to sign up for Weight Watchers online.  Just to give me that additional boost I need.  I have been a little slow at the tracking part....because I tend to 'forget' (thank you Fibromyalgia).  But, I'm getting caught up and looking forward to getting this RIGHT!  Wish me luck!

Also due to the brain fog that comes with the Fibromyalgia - I have forgotten to take my St. John's Wort for the past 3 days.....and boy, am I feeling it!  I hurt from head to toe......just about every inch of me.  I've placed the bottle where I cannot miss them in the morning - and we will hope that things get lined back out!  AND, I am continuing to pray and speak with God about my healing.  I believe it's in process....it's working.....it just takes time.

Been watching the new season line-up of network television shows this evening.  So far, nothing really excites me.  I will comment more on that later in the week when I get to see some more.

For now, I'm calling it a night.

Fibromyalgia - What a Pain!!

Literally.  It IS a real pain!

If you aren't familiar with Fibromyalgia - here is a brief video .

And, here is a laundry list of symptoms that go along with it - here.  You might be surprised - even if you are pretty sure you know about it.

So, I was diagnosed earlier this year.  My doctor didn't even want to give me that diagnosis.  He said that he truly believes in the disease - but hates putting that 'stigma' on people.  He understands the lack of compassion and understanding that people (including other doctors) have about it.

But, as he says - once you've run all the tests and tried all the 'cures' to what's ailing you.....sometimes there is nothing left to say.

I am not a person to get on the bandwagon and get involved with awareness groups etc.  But as I am learning more and more about the symptoms.....and can actually see where some of my symptoms were coming on EARLY in my life - I want to speak up a little.

I want others to be aware.  No - I DON'T want your sympathy.  Just your understanding that I may not be able to do all the things I would like to do....or that you would like me to do.

Heck - one of the reasons voiced by husband as to why he left us - is that HE believes I can/should fix this.  And I know that I can't control it at this point.

The good news is....that I believe that one can and should continue to see what works even temporarily for them and do it so you can enjoy life!  I for one take St. John's Wort every day - and it has helped more than any drug the doctor has tried so far.

But the BIGGEST change for me is that I am praying and having faith that God has healed me.  I know that I simply need to allow the healing to manifest in me....and that I may have some 'other issues' that I need to address in order to allow that healing to take place.  That's okay.  I'm learning.  And slowly, I am feeling better!

Sure, I still have bad days.....today hasn't started out the best, for example.  BUT - it's not as severe as it was in months past.  So I KNOW that God is working in my life!

Thank You, Father - for healing me and taking care of me as always!  If there are any other Fibro sufferers - I ask that You show them the healing powers of Your love and give them peace from the pain.

Amen.

How to Lose Weight? Good Question...

So I'm now on a mission to figure out how to get into shape.  To lose weight.  To feel better.  Yes, I know it's as simple as realizing that one needs to burn more calories than consumed - right?

Well, if you struggle with your weight as I do, you KNOW it's NOT that simple!  It's much harder than one thinks.  Especially if you are not as young as you used to be.

I have a friend who is like my twin.  She struggles just the same as I do.  Out of the clear blue one day, she started looking better.  Her skin was cleared and the dark circles under her eyes were gone.  She looked.....like she felt better, even though she hadn't exactly lost any noticeable weight.

I asked her what happened and she told me about a detox program that she and her husband do from time to time.  She told me about how much better she felt - like she was now ready to face the battle of her weight.  And then she started a diet program that her dad told her about (he had lost 86 lbs at that point).

This inspired me greatly!  So, when I finally worked through some other physical issues I had at the time (like trying to learn to live with Fibromyalgia - which had just been diagnosed), I decided I would do it too.  I ordered the food for the weight loss program and was ready to go.

I KNEW that one of my difficulties would be not only caffeine withdrawal but also sugar withdrawals due to giving up my soft drinks.  Unlike most, I never did learn to drink the diet or sugar-free soft drinks.  Some ingredient in them makes me feel really sick.  So I planned for this by taking a little time off of work to do the detox program.  That way as I started feeling bad on days 3 or 4 (as most ppl tell you will happen), I could be home to deal with it rather than trying to concentrate on work.

I did great on the detox program for TWO days only.  Then my heart started palpating like crazy.  I have an irregular heart beat - and whatever is in the powder must have a negative effect on me?  It scared me, so I quit doing it.  BUT, while doing it even for only the 2 days - I discovered that I had no withdrawals as expected.  And I did start feeling better by simply eating the healthy stuff.

So, I figured this would be a breeze to move right on to the weight loss program.  Day 1 - I survived, but felt awful.  Sorry folks, but I never have been able to do those silly shakes - which most of the program consists of those.  Day 2 - made it only half-way.  I'm such a quitter! Grrrrr!

By the end of the week - although I didn't actually 'do' the program, I was attentive to what I ate etc.  And, guess what!?  I lost 7 lbs the first week! Woot!

Then we went out of town....on a real family vacation.  And needless to say, I blew it big time.  I gained 4 lbs back....  But, I didn't feel the need to be hard on myself.  I KNEW that I could do it by being sensible and paying attention to what I consume.

Sure enough, I lost those 4 lbs. again.  And here I am now.  Ready to move forward.  I went shopping yesterday trying to be very selective in my choices and planning ahead for my meals.  I think I did alright!

I will keep you posted for sure!

Nutrition, Weight Loss & Me

So I've mentioned that I'm overweight.  I'm 100 lbs. overweight as a matter of fact.  And I hate it.  I'm miserable.  So do something about it - right!?  That's what the soon-to-be-ex husband says.

It's just not that simple.  First of all, one has to find out WHY they got where they are in the first place.  And to be honest, I'm not completely sure.  I have done a little soul-searching on myself from time to time and this is what I have so far:

I was always thin growing up.  Too thin, many thought.  I was simply comfortable and who I was.  I never worried about what I ate or when I ate.  We usually sat down to eat whenever the mood struck or hunger except for supper time.  Mom always cooked a yummy supper.

Not to sound egotistical, but I was also very attractive.  Cute when I was a kid.  Pretty when I entered middle school.  And according to most - pretty darned hot by the time I hit high school.

I didn't start actually gaining weight (meaning too much weight) until after college and I got married.  Yes, I know.  I know.  People always say that about marriage and weight-gain.  But hang on!

I have no idea if any of this is really related or not.....but I've thought about it and wonder if there is a connection.  No, not wonder....I'm pretty sure there is.  I just haven't figured out what else there is that might be a reason for my weight issues.

Here is what I have discovered:  I recall when what I thought were hunger pains started - I mean like, wanting to eat when it wasn't my usual time to eat.  I remember wondering why in the world I wanted to eat and craving things just because.  Now, I didn't actually go ahead and pig out or anything....but it was definitely present in me.  And that was when I first started having sex in high school.  Like I said, I haven't gotten it all figured out yet....but I do believe there is a connection somehow.

My true weight issues started once I was married.  And it came on fast.  I got married for all the wrong reasons and out of depression, I ate.  I became an emotional eater.  And the more I hurt, the more I gained weight.  And of course it all became a vicious cycle.

At that time, it wasn't like I had really gained that much.  I was pushing it....but not so much that I was really considered overweight.  But I felt HUGE.  I felt miserable - which only fed the cycle more.

I maintained that 25-30 extra lbs for years.  Then when I had my first child, it was like my body had a major negative reaction and I simply blew up!  I remember my mom saying she did the same thing when she was pregnant (but she always lost it right after - she was never overweight).  I had loads of complications all through the pregnancy and in the end swore I'd never have another child because of it - of course, if you've read my bio, you know that I did have another - but it took me 14 yrs to do it again!

I never lost a pound after the pregnancy and slowly gained a little more.  I then maintained that weight for almost 13 years.  Now, I do have to say that during this time - I cannot tell you that I 'struggled' with my weight.  Yes, I wanted to lose weight and yes, I was miserable.  BUT - I believe there was an underlying reason why there was no effort on my part.

You see, I had always dated and had a boyfriend in school.  I never went without one.  This alone gave me a sense of power and pride.  But it also gave me security (now I know it was false security).  However, I now see that because of this, I never really knew who I was.

Another thing:  I found it to be a constant battle with guys/men.  You see, because of my looks and my body (all the right curves) - guys were always after me.  No one really wanted to know ME.  They just wanted the arm-candy or a roll in the hay or both.  Sure, some would say they wanted friendship and/or a meaningful relationship, but they never could keep it that way.

So, I believe that on some level, I chose (not knowingly) to remain overweight because for the first time in my life the guys left me alone.  Therefore, in some way, I believe that this was my shield.  My protection against rejection, dishonesty, pain which I usually experienced with the guys I met.  I was just shy and timid enough to never know how to be confident and say 'no' to guys.

When I chose to have another child, I again gained weight.  But this time I lost that which I gained.  I went back to where I was prior to pregnancy which was still overweight.

So here I am now.  Overweight, 45 years old and desperately needing to do something about it.  I'm done with being miserable.  I'm done with allowing guys to tell me my worth/value.  I'm done with not living life to the fullest.  I'm done with the aches and pains and ill health.

Now I just have to figure out HOW to lose the weight......