It Has Been One of THOSE Days! (June 2013)

It Has Been One of THOSE Days!

Jun10

We all have days that make you wonder if you shouldn’t go back home and start over……or go back to bed.  It seems like we had one like that today at work.

Monday.  Walk in and find that two offices have been flooded due to who-knows-what….some leaking pipes or something.  It ruined a few things in the payroll office.  There were guys here cleaning up the mess, setting up fans and looking to repair the mess.  Instantly, when you walk near the place, you smell the mildew/moisture – which is not a good thing for some of us (me included) who have allergies to such ‘aromas’.  Top that with the cleaning products that permeated the air – which triggered more problems for some very highly sensitive folks in the office.  All of that made for some pretty miserable people.

Add to that – our phone system was down.  Tech guys didn’t know why. They rigged up a phone that allowed the external calls to continue coming in – but they couldn’t be transferred or place on hold, etc.  Therefore the receptionists had to take messages and/or ask the caller to call the employee’s cell phone (company phones, not personal).  Can you spell S-T-R-E-S-S?

And finally – a dear, beloved man that our company has worked closely with for many, many years passed away this weekend.  His funeral was today.  Several folks are greatly saddened by this.

I must say though – everyone handled the chaotic morning better than some places I’ve worked before.  Everyone simply got to work doing what was necessary.  And ultimately it smoothed out by the end of the day – for the most part. 

Yes, it has been one of those days, for sure.

Then there is my friend.  She and I email back and forth to check in on each other from time to time.  She is ‘stressed’ she says.  I say she is depressed.  Either way, she doesn’t sound good.  I worry – no, I am concerned about her – because she tends to take on unnecessary burdens.  She is a people-pleaser and therefore she takes on too many things trying to ‘help’ others at the expense of her own well-being.  She means well.  She is a good person.  But she needs to stop doing that.

Most of our conversations consist of her looking to escape by moving somewhere else.  I’ve known her for over 20 years and she has always wanted to leave town.  She did once…for a while and then she came back.  But she still dreams of leaving.  I personally think she is looking for things to be ‘better’ in another place rather than facing what the real problem is in her life.  Do I know what her ‘problem’ is?  No.  That’s not my expertise – but it seems to me that she is looking to fill a huge void in her life with material things rather than with what she really needs.

I believe she has a lot of self-esteem issues.  I believe she needs a closer relationship with God – let Him fill that void.  But she’s not there yet.  She ‘searches’ by visiting different churches every week – but can’t seem to land anywhere. And she believes she is ‘good’ in this area – and honestly, who am I to judge?

I care deeply for her – and I’m concerned greatly.  I pray for her.  I don’t ‘worry’ because that is not of God – and I know that He knows better than I what she needs and what she needs to learn on her journey.  She and I have little in common – we don’t even know why or how we became friends actually.  We are both single moms – but her kids are grown.  I have one grown and one 7-year-old. So we don’t really hang out or do anything together.  We communicate by email and sometimes by phone and that’s it.

Since we don’t hang like best friends normally do – I choose my words carefully with her so as not to sound like I’m preaching.  After all, I’m on my own journey (hence the name of my blog).  But I do try my best to be encouraging and uplifting when I can.  But here’s the kicker…

I have to be careful so as not to be taken down the negativity road myself.  What I mean is – have you ever been around people who want to dwell in the negative all of the time!?  If you have, you know how draining that can be.  You know how it can ‘rub off’ on you if you aren’t careful.  Since I come by negativity very naturally myself – it takes real effort to keep myself from going there.  So when I find myself banging up against that wall with her – I try to be encouraging, she shoots it down, I try another angle, she finds something wrong with it too…I simply have to step back, and remind myself of the Truth.  And remember that He is in control and that it is not up to me to do or fix her situation. 

If God chooses to use me to be a testimony or something – that’s awesome!  But that doesn’t mean that I am to ‘do’ anything – because that is ME controlling the situation again – or trying to at least.  See how I must self-talk all of the time because I find myself chasing my own tail!?  LOL – don’t worry, I’m not crazy yet. Just traveling along on my journey with my best friend – God!

But I do have a tremendous need for my vacation to hurry up already!!!!  I can hardly wait – mountains, fresh air, fresh water…..ahhhhh!  Can you see it, feel it, smell it!?!?  I have included pics I took on my last vacation with this post – this will give you an idea.

Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 

I WILL STAND AGAINST FEAR! (May 2013 Post)

I WILL STAND AGAINST FEAR!

May19

Today I listened to a message that lead me further into my health issues.  And I now have so much rolling around in my mind, I’m not sure that I can adequately write this in a manner to convey what I’m thinking and feeling.

What was revealed to me today is that Satan wants us to live in bondage of fear and anxiety (as I’ve mentioned in a previous post).  He uses these things to keep us from living God’s will.  We are instructed over and over in the bible that we are not to fear – so we know that fear is not of God.

In the message I heard, my pastor said ‘There is a difference between sickness and a spirit of sickness’.  Just stop and think about that for a minute.  If you haven’t had a chronic illness, this may not impact you quite as much as it has me.

This really hit home with me though.  Because I have been in such bad health and hurting for so long, I had finally given in to the fact that this would be the way the rest of my life would go.  I would simply have to find a way to ‘deal’ with the pain and fatigue and go on.  However, as I’ve mentioned before – I DON’T WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY!

The devil can hold us in bondage mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually or even socially.  We must remember that through Christ we have been set free.  It’s out birthright.  Our gift from God.  Our Father has done His part and given us the freedom.  We simply need to accept it.  To stand up and refuse to live in bondage any more!

If you think about it – this can be applied to anything you are battling in life.  Not just a health issue.  Are you under financial bondage? Pornography? What about drugs, alcohol, cutting, anger or depression?  How about negative self-talk?  I used to do that a lot.  I battled the inner voice telling me that I am a disappointment to God.

God will never bless fear-based decisions and therefore, we must CHOOSE to become absolutely intolerant to bondage.  We must stand against the bondage that Satan tries to put on us so that God can bless us for doing His will.

Here is an example on a personal level.  As many of you know, I am working not only on losing weight but mainly focusing on improved physical health by going through a detox program.  I actually did pretty well in the beginning – but before long, the symptoms of my fibromyalgia got worse than ever before!  I was in a very bad place.  I missed work. I wanted to give up.  I wanted to scrap the whole thing and go back to the way things were.

However, after much praying – God revealed to me that even though I was on the right track with the clean eating, I was listening to others instead of Him.  Once I understood and decided to hang in there – I have been attacked like you wouldn’t believe.  There is so much information coming at me from all sides – that it is not even possible to sort through it and know which information is correct!

But Satan has misjudged me.  Tell me I can’t do something and it makes me even more determined!  I am still standing against all that he is throwing my way and trusting in God alone.  GOD is my anchor.  He is my teacher.  He is walking me through this and I will be victorious because I choose God’s will.  God is leading me through this journey and I am not giving up.

Have a great week, everyone!  And, choose to stand strong!

History....How I Got Here PART I

Part of having Fibromyalgia is insomnia.  So here I am, knowing I need to be sleeping because I do have to get up and go to work tomorrow....but I can't! Grrrrrr!  So, I thought I would do as I promised and give you a little bit of history on myself.

I don't usually talk about this much because I'm not proud of my track record.  But, in order to make it thru this journey I'm on, I probably need to revisit my background just a tad.


I grew up moving around all over the United States.  My dad worked on the pipeline and therefore, we traveled constantly.  It was a decision that my parents made early on - that IF he were to take the job, WE as a family would stick together.  A lot of families would only be with the men during the summer months and then go back 'home' during the school year.  Not us.  And I have NO complaints, whatsoever!  I LOVED it!

Dad made good money too.  So we never wanted for anything.  I was extremely shy....but because people were drawn to me, I could usually make friends quickly.  It's funny, but I can recall places we've been and certain incidences that took place.  But for the most part - my childhood is pretty much a blur.  And I'm not sure why that is.

My mother was an alcoholic.  I didn't even realize that until I was in 6th grade.  I remember thinking that she was 'scary' sometimes, but I just took that as being who she was.  It wasn't until my dad took a job overseas and we stayed behind for two years - that things started becoming clear.

Mom was not a falling down drunk.  Nor was she a slob.  Instead, she was always very well put together, sharp, kept a spotless home.  No one knew.  But I suppose that as the loneliness set in while Dad was gone, things got outta hand.

My brother is 7 yrs older than me - and he always seemed to get the brunt of her rage.  Once I realized what was 'wrong' with Mom, I figured out why he was always 'out' - away from home.  It didn't take me long to follow his example.  As a matter of fact, at 11 & 12 years old, I was out walking the town at all hours of the night - just to avoid dealing with her.

She wasn't physically abusive - although I can recall a couple of times that she would sit and 'stew' about something in the middle of the night.  Then, you would find yourself being yanked outta bed by your hair so she could accuse you of whatever it was that had her fired up.  I recall her trying to slap my brother on more than one occasion too.

There is only two specific, life-changing events during this period that I can recall.  I don't know if as a defense mechanism, my mind has shut the rest out or what.  I haven't figured that one out just yet.

One:  I don't recall my age - but can say that I was still young enough that I didn't know why Mom was 'weird' acting.  It was just who she was to me.  Dad was outta town for the night.  So I wanted to sleep with her.  She said that was fine.  I recall getting settled in, the lights were out and I rolled over to glance at my mom.  I saw VERY clearly, the most evil, scary look from my mom.  It scared the hell outta me.  I still cry to this day whenever I think of it.  I don't know if it was the devil or not....but it's the closest thing I've seen!  All I can say is that it was NOT my mom looking at me.  And the evil in her eyes was very clear and bright.  I never slept in her room again.  Years later - my mom would tell you that she truly believes that Satan had a tight grip on her back then.

Two:  I was 12 yrs old.  We had to enter a project into the Science Fair and one into the History Fair.  I did - but it wasn't easy.  Dad had not been back from overseas for very long - but I recall trying to sit at the kitchen table to work on my project one night.  My mom was on a rage and reached over to smack my brother.  She missed and hit his glass of milk instead.  Which in turn went all over my project.  Then in her feeble attempt to clean it up - she smashed half of it.  I remember my dad stepping in about that time and telling her not to ever touch either of us again.

Then, the night that the kids and families were to go to the school to see the results of the judging.  Dad was outta town for a couple of days on a small job - we hadn't started traveling as a family again yet.  That night, Mom was wiped out.  She started in on me on the way to the school.  So whenever we got to a stop sign, I jumped out of the car and walked away.  She sped off.  I ended up going to the school alone.  I found that I had won 1st place on my Science project & 2nd place on my History project.  But I had no one to share the joy with.  No one ever knew either.

To this day - both of those incidences stand out.  The recall jumps up at the oddest times.

I can tell you that my dad ended up putting my mom in a treatment center the summer between my 6th & 7th grade.  She was gone for a month.  My brother had already moved out - so it was just me and Dad.  I was in heaven!  I loved it - and so when they called my dad in to tell him that it didn't look like the program was working for my mom, I was also glad.  I wanted her to die.  The problem is, back then it was almost impossible for the husband to get custody of the kids.  So, my dad had a choice, they said.  Divorce her and move on, but know that he would most likely have to leave me with her.  Or ride it out and wait for her to drink herself to death.  He chose the latter.


But, somewhere in that very last week of rehab, something clicked for Mom.  I was NOT happy.  I didn't want her back.  I hated her.  And I was devastated that the peace I finally had was going to be yanked away from me once again.

She worked her program though.  And eventually we all worked through our fears and pains and was able to become a family.  We forgave each other.  Well, except my brother.  And I don't think he has ever gotten past most of it.  I think it is because by the time all of this happened, he was out of the house and therefore he never got to see her improvement up close.  She never drank again, btw.  It was definitely for life for her.

Okay, well I will continue a little later.  I believe that I will now attempt to go to bed once again!

Talk to you soon!