I am on a journey to see what life has in store. I've experienced much, hurt greatly and loved deeply - so I have a lot to share from daily life issues to my opinions on the state of our society....LOL....join me!
I'm beginning to think that 'work ethic' - as people my age know it no longer exists. This also means that I believe I am now in the wrong field of work.
You see, as a Human Resources Director - I get to deal with a lot of people and everything that entails. I've always been really good at it and whether I had that title or not, people have always come to me for help or advice or simply a sounding board. I LOVED it! Unfortunately, the workforce has changed. The mentality has changed......and I'm getting old, I guess.
Now, all they do is whine and complain about everyone else. No one simply does their job. Now it's 'what makes ME happy' rather than 'how can I excel and do my best.' And management? Good grief. Here is a picture of my workplace: you have the gossips - which are also the whiners/complainers. They get each other stirred up and constantly complain about everyone else. They are also the ones who do very little work themselves and it doesn't bother them in the least. And - because they know they can, they run to the top dog. Who in turn, gets on to the people who are actually doing their job (usually over and above what is required).....he never backs the real workers up. He never investigates first.
So, the ones doing their job feel like crap. The babies who whine feel victorious because they get away with it....and at the same time are NEVER accountable for what THEY aren't doing. Never mind that it creates LOADS more work and headaches for those of us who DO our jobs. It is a vicious cycle and many of us are getting really sick and tired.
I would like to say.....well, that's just where I work. So, I can just go find another place to work. But, some people have done that. And it seems that we are not unique in this situation. Plus, for some of us (like myself) - it is extremely difficult to find a job that will pay as well as what I am currently making. So, I'm kinda stuck (remember, I'm a new single mom).
My resolution has been to remove myself from as much of the drama as possible. But being the HR person...makes this somewhat difficult.
What to do, what to do.......I'm keeping my eyes open for other opportunities. Praying for answers. And waiting to see what happens.
We are all on our own journey....and as I've mentioned before, I'm leaving myself WIDE open to God's will. Anxiously awaiting to see what I'm supposed to learn....and where I'm supposed to go from here. The problem is - and I suppose with many people - is that it is agonizingly SLOW!
I am SO ready for a change! I am SO ready for something new! And, I wish I could see some of it SOON before I give up. I know, I know....that doesn't show much faith. And chances are, THAT is exactly what I'm supposed to be learning right now....that I need to WAIT and see. Continue having faith and trusting God to move those mountains for me. I also know/believe that I am to speak to those mountains myself and He will make it happen.
So, I'm thinking that's what I need to do. BUT, I can't seem to verbalize or even formulate the idea/words in my mind. I feel like an idiot....I can't tell if this is from stress overload or Fibro fog. I pray that God knows what I'm trying to say and think. Thank You, Father for understanding.
I have been attending a series of sermons about relationships. It has been tremendously enlightening - I believe every single person who is in a marriage or thinking about marriage should listen to them.....it would literally change your life!! But, on the down side of that....I find myself feeling depressed and sad because I can see where hubby and I have failed. AND, now knowing what could be different.....but he's not willing. Period. It's heartbreaking to know that I got so darned close to having something so awesome.
I'm sure people on the outside looking in would say 'give it up, girl' or 'good grief, get a life and move on!' But, I feel so strongly that this whole situation is wrong, wrong, wrong! I can honestly say that I was pretty miserable myself and many times I thought about leaving him. And at first when he told me he was leaving....for just an instant I felt relief - then it turned to shock (as mentioned in previous posts). But ultimately, I feel that we should not be giving up just yet. Evidently hubby does not feel the same way.
So, I keep rolling between feeling a little relief, to pain and sadness to anger. I'm sure it's all normal....but it sure is exhausting. I am not normally a crier.....but now, just the simplest thought skating across my brain and I can really let the waterworks fly. And THAT angers me. I have no time for crying and whining. I have work to do. I have kids to raise and I have to move on. Ugh!!!!
I can't recall if I've mentioned it before and I'm too lazy to go back and check right now....but, for about 4 or 5 years now, I find myself dreaming/wishing to be a person to speak before groups. Like an inspirational-type speaker or a life coach. I have absolutely no idea WHERE this comes from either! I am really pretty shy. And I used to get ill if I had to speak before people. I seldom speak unless spoken to.
So where did all of this come from? And what the heck do I have to say to anyone that would be worthwhile? And why would I want to? And where? I have no clue.... All I know is that the desire keeps getting stronger. And therefore, I'm thinking that maybe God has planted that little seed of desire for whatever is headed my way. I don't know.
I do know that I've lived a LOT of life. I have LOADS of life experiences. I HAVE learned from my experiences - both good and bad. So who knows....maybe someday. Oh and btw, even my boss has put me into a position of being a leadership coach and a trainer at work. Could this all be prep work for me???? Hmmmmm.......
So, bring it on God~! I'm ready! I am ready and willing to take the next step in this journey, so let's go!!!
Finally found some time to sit down and blog a little. Problem is, I can't quite get my brain working in that direction - so I have no idea what to write about. So I guess this will be a mish-mash of random thoughts.
First of all, I have been a little down in the dumps these past few days. Nothing major....but I think it's still part of getting used to the fact that my marriage failed. Dang that hurts. I am NOT thrilled about this. And honestly, not looking forward to going it alone. But, I will not let it get me down for long - no sir-ee!
I also discovered that my payment for the electric bill bounced (stupid mistake on my part). I have absolutely NO money until next Friday....so I'm expecting my power to be cut off this week. First time ever. That is humiliating and frustrating and makes me want to cry....but what can I do? Before you ask - it was already past due. And no, I have no family to 'borrow' from. 'sigh'
Have had a GREAT weekend with my son, though! We've had fun! I actually stayed home with him Friday. That is because my soon-to-be-ex hubby doesn't grasp the fact that a 4 yr old needs REST and a regular schedule. He keeps him out at all hours of the night and constantly at someone else's house - there is no down time. So, by the time I get him - he's worn out. Therefore, I elected to stay home with him and let him sleep in. And he definitely did that!
He even asked that we stay home today too. So we hung out and played. We played cars, Mario Bros. on Wii, and watched movies. We then went outside and he took turns riding his motorized jeep and motorcycle. I sat on the porch swing and read my Barnes & Noble NOOK. Now we are settled in for the evening and we're watching umpteen episodes of 'Blues Clues' .
I rearranged my living room furniture twice today too. Ended up with the way it was in the first place. *sigh*
As far as my journey I'm on with God - it's about the same. I am seeing a LOT of things lately with very different eyes. A lot of it is rather depressing in that I see where I screwed up and could/should have done things differently. But, it's too late now. I'm older, fatter, slower, and soon to be single. But, I trust God and know that He is revealing this stuff to me for a reason.
All I know is to tell others to NEVER take your relationships for granted. Always maintain a servant heart. And be thankful for every single moment you have with them!
Hello! Just checking in again. It's been a few days. I keep having headaches lately - so by the time I get home, I'm not too interested in the computer. I think it's the front that finally blew in today.
First, let me tell you that I really learned a LOT at church this past weekend. And I think EVERYONE who is in a relationship or thinking about a relationship should listen to this (see the one dated 9-19-2010). Yes, it says it's about sexual fulfillment - but don't freak out or be turned away because you are already satisfied, thank you very much! Just listen. I would put money down that you learn a thing or two! This is about RELATIONSHIPS not the actual act of sex.
Of course, as you know if you've been reading my posts - my hubby has moved out. So, this particular sermon was not expected to speak to me much. Boy was I wrong! It did big time. Not in just things that I think we could have done better in relating with each other - but other stuff too. It was very enlightening.
Speaking of hubby - I can't recall if I mentioned this before or not, but I had texted hubby one day a while back and asked if he would still be willing to go to marriage counseling. After all, HE had suggested it prior to our little trip to the mountains. And, even though we are separated doesn't mean that we couldn't try to work things out - right? Well, he didn't answer. I let it go and didn't request an answer. Typically, when he doesn't answer - it's because the answer is 'no'.
But, after the sermon, I really felt like I needed to try one last time with him. So I asked again. He clearly stated "No" this time. So, I decided I better get my act together for real. All this time, I kept hoping that there was some shred left. Something that we could still hold on to and try to build from - know what I mean?
When he stated that he had no interest - it was a bit of a turning point for me and so I told him that I would let him go. He thanked me. He apologized for not making it work.....and assured me that this decision had nothing to do with another woman. Blah, blah, blah....
I then went to visit my attorney to see where I stood and what would need to happen to make this final. Since hubby and I aren't fighting over anything - it will be a simple process. I hope. Now, don't get me wrong - I am not rushing out to get divorced. I still don't want it to happen - but I can't make him love me either. So I just need to be realistic.
I also have to work to get the money together....so it will be a while.
In the meantime.....I will journey on. And LOTS of things have been taking place as far as God and me! I will have to fill you in soon.
I haven't posted for a few days. It's been hectic around here. I'm still on the emotional roller-coaster with my hubby. So not much has changed.
I will say that I have been trying to sort out my feelings. I feel like such an idiot on one hand. And a quitter on the other. And I suppose it will depend on the reader's views and belief system in which one I would be labeled.
I can honestly say that I really CARE about my husband. I even like him most of the time. I heard a while back that Love is not so much a feeling as a choice. If that is true - then I may love him too. If it's feelings.....well, then I can't say that I do. That part died quite some time ago.
I DO believe that God can move in our lives and if we are willing, He can heal and repair. However, the key word is 'willing' - which is the difficult part. I have made a conscious effort to be open to God's will and allow Him to work in my life. I desire to remain married because I know it's God's will AND I believe He can make a difference. However, I also have very frank conversations with God. And He knows that I don't feel I can take my husband back and live the way we had been....there would definitely have to be changes made. On BOTH our parts.
However, my hubby is not feeling the same. He is fine to work with me (we work at the same place) - and we are doing fine with relating with each other when it comes to our son - for the most part. BUT, that is it. He is NOT willing to go to marriage counseling. He is NOT willing to do anything more to try to repair our marriage. So, knowing that God allows us free-will, I don't see that things will get any better.
So, I went to visit an attorney today. To see what it is going to cost me to 'let my hubby go' once and for all. Yes, I know that I can wait it out and make hubby pay for the process.....but is that REALLY in my best interest? I'm not so sure. I do have to think about my future and my rights when it comes to our son.
Later, I told hubby I was going to 'let him go' - and he thanked me. He apologized for not being able to 'make things work'. Dang that hurts. I hate it. But, life goes on.
So, I guess I simply ask for prayers from those who are praying people - that God be with us as we go through the process and ultimately that our little boy will be okay. That hubby and I are able to create a secure and loving environment for our son.
In addition: I have decided to sign up for Weight Watchers online. Just to give me that additional boost I need. I have been a little slow at the tracking part....because I tend to 'forget' (thank you Fibromyalgia). But, I'm getting caught up and looking forward to getting this RIGHT! Wish me luck!
Also due to the brain fog that comes with the Fibromyalgia - I have forgotten to take my St. John's Wort for the past 3 days.....and boy, am I feeling it! I hurt from head to toe......just about every inch of me. I've placed the bottle where I cannot miss them in the morning - and we will hope that things get lined back out! AND, I am continuing to pray and speak with God about my healing. I believe it's in process....it's working.....it just takes time.
Been watching the new season line-up of network television shows this evening. So far, nothing really excites me. I will comment more on that later in the week when I get to see some more.
Part of having Fibromyalgia is insomnia. So here I am, knowing I need to be sleeping because I do have to get up and go to work tomorrow....but I can't! Grrrrrr! So, I thought I would do as I promised and give you a little bit of history on myself.
I don't usually talk about this much because I'm not proud of my track record. But, in order to make it thru this journey I'm on, I probably need to revisit my background just a tad.
I grew up moving around all over the United States. My dad worked on the pipeline and therefore, we traveled constantly. It was a decision that my parents made early on - that IF he were to take the job, WE as a family would stick together. A lot of families would only be with the men during the summer months and then go back 'home' during the school year. Not us. And I have NO complaints, whatsoever! I LOVED it!
Dad made good money too. So we never wanted for anything. I was extremely shy....but because people were drawn to me, I could usually make friends quickly. It's funny, but I can recall places we've been and certain incidences that took place. But for the most part - my childhood is pretty much a blur. And I'm not sure why that is.
My mother was an alcoholic. I didn't even realize that until I was in 6th grade. I remember thinking that she was 'scary' sometimes, but I just took that as being who she was. It wasn't until my dad took a job overseas and we stayed behind for two years - that things started becoming clear.
Mom was not a falling down drunk. Nor was she a slob. Instead, she was always very well put together, sharp, kept a spotless home. No one knew. But I suppose that as the loneliness set in while Dad was gone, things got outta hand.
My brother is 7 yrs older than me - and he always seemed to get the brunt of her rage. Once I realized what was 'wrong' with Mom, I figured out why he was always 'out' - away from home. It didn't take me long to follow his example. As a matter of fact, at 11 & 12 years old, I was out walking the town at all hours of the night - just to avoid dealing with her.
She wasn't physically abusive - although I can recall a couple of times that she would sit and 'stew' about something in the middle of the night. Then, you would find yourself being yanked outta bed by your hair so she could accuse you of whatever it was that had her fired up. I recall her trying to slap my brother on more than one occasion too.
There is only two specific, life-changing events during this period that I can recall. I don't know if as a defense mechanism, my mind has shut the rest out or what. I haven't figured that one out just yet.
One: I don't recall my age - but can say that I was still young enough that I didn't know why Mom was 'weird' acting. It was just who she was to me. Dad was outta town for the night. So I wanted to sleep with her. She said that was fine. I recall getting settled in, the lights were out and I rolled over to glance at my mom. I saw VERY clearly, the most evil, scary look from my mom. It scared the hell outta me. I still cry to this day whenever I think of it. I don't know if it was the devil or not....but it's the closest thing I've seen! All I can say is that it was NOT my mom looking at me. And the evil in her eyes was very clear and bright. I never slept in her room again. Years later - my mom would tell you that she truly believes that Satan had a tight grip on her back then.
Two: I was 12 yrs old. We had to enter a project into the Science Fair and one into the History Fair. I did - but it wasn't easy. Dad had not been back from overseas for very long - but I recall trying to sit at the kitchen table to work on my project one night. My mom was on a rage and reached over to smack my brother. She missed and hit his glass of milk instead. Which in turn went all over my project. Then in her feeble attempt to clean it up - she smashed half of it. I remember my dad stepping in about that time and telling her not to ever touch either of us again.
Then, the night that the kids and families were to go to the school to see the results of the judging. Dad was outta town for a couple of days on a small job - we hadn't started traveling as a family again yet. That night, Mom was wiped out. She started in on me on the way to the school. So whenever we got to a stop sign, I jumped out of the car and walked away. She sped off. I ended up going to the school alone. I found that I had won 1st place on my Science project & 2nd place on my History project. But I had no one to share the joy with. No one ever knew either.
To this day - both of those incidences stand out. The recall jumps up at the oddest times.
I can tell you that my dad ended up putting my mom in a treatment center the summer between my 6th & 7th grade. She was gone for a month. My brother had already moved out - so it was just me and Dad. I was in heaven! I loved it - and so when they called my dad in to tell him that it didn't look like the program was working for my mom, I was also glad. I wanted her to die. The problem is, back then it was almost impossible for the husband to get custody of the kids. So, my dad had a choice, they said. Divorce her and move on, but know that he would most likely have to leave me with her. Or ride it out and wait for her to drink herself to death. He chose the latter.
But, somewhere in that very last week of rehab, something clicked for Mom. I was NOT happy. I didn't want her back. I hated her. And I was devastated that the peace I finally had was going to be yanked away from me once again.
She worked her program though. And eventually we all worked through our fears and pains and was able to become a family. We forgave each other. Well, except my brother. And I don't think he has ever gotten past most of it. I think it is because by the time all of this happened, he was out of the house and therefore he never got to see her improvement up close. She never drank again, btw. It was definitely for life for her.
Okay, well I will continue a little later. I believe that I will now attempt to go to bed once again!
If you aren't familiar with Fibromyalgia - here is a brief video .
And, here is a laundry list of symptoms that go along with it - here. You might be surprised - even if you are pretty sure you know about it.
So, I was diagnosed earlier this year. My doctor didn't even want to give me that diagnosis. He said that he truly believes in the disease - but hates putting that 'stigma' on people. He understands the lack of compassion and understanding that people (including other doctors) have about it.
But, as he says - once you've run all the tests and tried all the 'cures' to what's ailing you.....sometimes there is nothing left to say.
I am not a person to get on the bandwagon and get involved with awareness groups etc. But as I am learning more and more about the symptoms.....and can actually see where some of my symptoms were coming on EARLY in my life - I want to speak up a little.
I want others to be aware. No - I DON'T want your sympathy. Just your understanding that I may not be able to do all the things I would like to do....or that you would like me to do.
Heck - one of the reasons voiced by husband as to why he left us - is that HE believes I can/should fix this. And I know that I can't control it at this point.
The good news is....that I believe that one can and should continue to see what works even temporarily for them and do it so you can enjoy life! I for one take St. John's Wort every day - and it has helped more than any drug the doctor has tried so far.
But the BIGGEST change for me is that I am praying and having faith that God has healed me. I know that I simply need to allow the healing to manifest in me....and that I may have some 'other issues' that I need to address in order to allow that healing to take place. That's okay. I'm learning. And slowly, I am feeling better!
Sure, I still have bad days.....today hasn't started out the best, for example. BUT - it's not as severe as it was in months past. So I KNOW that God is working in my life!
Thank You, Father - for healing me and taking care of me as always! If there are any other Fibro sufferers - I ask that You show them the healing powers of Your love and give them peace from the pain.
