I am on a journey to see what life has in store. I've experienced much, hurt greatly and loved deeply - so I have a lot to share from daily life issues to my opinions on the state of our society....LOL....join me!
So hubby and I have been having some real heart-to-hearts lately. And they have been extremely heart-breaking...for me anyways. Not him.
He told me one day that he never knew what love felt like. Meaning, he didn't ever feel it for me. Nice to know 9+ years later.
Yesterday, I spotted where he had posted on FB that he loved some other chick. I sent him a message - trying to be strong - and mature about it.....simply stating that it was a painful thing to see AND that until our marriage was officially dissolved, I would appreciate his being a little more discrete in his actions.
He apologized today. He said it was an error on FB - that it was meant to be a private message. Whatever.....it still hurts. So, it started the conversation....bottom line, he claims the only reason why he married me was for sex. Stating that I had said that I wouldn't have a sexual relationship unless married. I honestly don't recall that conversation....but so what? Really? Marriage JUST for sex!?!?!?!? I can't seem to wrap my brain around this one, folks.
He also states that this is 'why they are waiting a year before getting into a more serious relationship' - they (he and his new love) want to make sure it's right. And he's sure it is.
I told him that I thought it was all a fantasy. Meaning that it's always easy to reminisce (this is an old school friend) and dream of what might be when you are having troubles. And it's easily a matter of the grass being greener when times are tough.
It just feels like the past 9+ years have been such a waste. What a shame to have lived a complete lie all this time. And how selfish on his part. He basically brought a child into this mess and seriously damaged the lives of 2 other people - all because he wasn't man enough to own up to his own mistakes and make em right.
It hurts to know that he never loved me. Because I definitely loved him. But what hurts more is that the kiddos have to pay the cost. AND, to top if off......he could potentially be doing it all over again to another person. You see, I don't blame her....even though she KNOWS he is married. Because ultimately, HE is the one with the decision to cheat or not.
I'm beginning to think that 'work ethic' - as people my age know it no longer exists. This also means that I believe I am now in the wrong field of work.
You see, as a Human Resources Director - I get to deal with a lot of people and everything that entails. I've always been really good at it and whether I had that title or not, people have always come to me for help or advice or simply a sounding board. I LOVED it! Unfortunately, the workforce has changed. The mentality has changed......and I'm getting old, I guess.
Now, all they do is whine and complain about everyone else. No one simply does their job. Now it's 'what makes ME happy' rather than 'how can I excel and do my best.' And management? Good grief. Here is a picture of my workplace: you have the gossips - which are also the whiners/complainers. They get each other stirred up and constantly complain about everyone else. They are also the ones who do very little work themselves and it doesn't bother them in the least. And - because they know they can, they run to the top dog. Who in turn, gets on to the people who are actually doing their job (usually over and above what is required).....he never backs the real workers up. He never investigates first.
So, the ones doing their job feel like crap. The babies who whine feel victorious because they get away with it....and at the same time are NEVER accountable for what THEY aren't doing. Never mind that it creates LOADS more work and headaches for those of us who DO our jobs. It is a vicious cycle and many of us are getting really sick and tired.
I would like to say.....well, that's just where I work. So, I can just go find another place to work. But, some people have done that. And it seems that we are not unique in this situation. Plus, for some of us (like myself) - it is extremely difficult to find a job that will pay as well as what I am currently making. So, I'm kinda stuck (remember, I'm a new single mom).
My resolution has been to remove myself from as much of the drama as possible. But being the HR person...makes this somewhat difficult.
What to do, what to do.......I'm keeping my eyes open for other opportunities. Praying for answers. And waiting to see what happens.
We are all on our own journey....and as I've mentioned before, I'm leaving myself WIDE open to God's will. Anxiously awaiting to see what I'm supposed to learn....and where I'm supposed to go from here. The problem is - and I suppose with many people - is that it is agonizingly SLOW!
I am SO ready for a change! I am SO ready for something new! And, I wish I could see some of it SOON before I give up. I know, I know....that doesn't show much faith. And chances are, THAT is exactly what I'm supposed to be learning right now....that I need to WAIT and see. Continue having faith and trusting God to move those mountains for me. I also know/believe that I am to speak to those mountains myself and He will make it happen.
So, I'm thinking that's what I need to do. BUT, I can't seem to verbalize or even formulate the idea/words in my mind. I feel like an idiot....I can't tell if this is from stress overload or Fibro fog. I pray that God knows what I'm trying to say and think. Thank You, Father for understanding.
I have been attending a series of sermons about relationships. It has been tremendously enlightening - I believe every single person who is in a marriage or thinking about marriage should listen to them.....it would literally change your life!! But, on the down side of that....I find myself feeling depressed and sad because I can see where hubby and I have failed. AND, now knowing what could be different.....but he's not willing. Period. It's heartbreaking to know that I got so darned close to having something so awesome.
I'm sure people on the outside looking in would say 'give it up, girl' or 'good grief, get a life and move on!' But, I feel so strongly that this whole situation is wrong, wrong, wrong! I can honestly say that I was pretty miserable myself and many times I thought about leaving him. And at first when he told me he was leaving....for just an instant I felt relief - then it turned to shock (as mentioned in previous posts). But ultimately, I feel that we should not be giving up just yet. Evidently hubby does not feel the same way.
So, I keep rolling between feeling a little relief, to pain and sadness to anger. I'm sure it's all normal....but it sure is exhausting. I am not normally a crier.....but now, just the simplest thought skating across my brain and I can really let the waterworks fly. And THAT angers me. I have no time for crying and whining. I have work to do. I have kids to raise and I have to move on. Ugh!!!!
I can't recall if I've mentioned it before and I'm too lazy to go back and check right now....but, for about 4 or 5 years now, I find myself dreaming/wishing to be a person to speak before groups. Like an inspirational-type speaker or a life coach. I have absolutely no idea WHERE this comes from either! I am really pretty shy. And I used to get ill if I had to speak before people. I seldom speak unless spoken to.
So where did all of this come from? And what the heck do I have to say to anyone that would be worthwhile? And why would I want to? And where? I have no clue.... All I know is that the desire keeps getting stronger. And therefore, I'm thinking that maybe God has planted that little seed of desire for whatever is headed my way. I don't know.
I do know that I've lived a LOT of life. I have LOADS of life experiences. I HAVE learned from my experiences - both good and bad. So who knows....maybe someday. Oh and btw, even my boss has put me into a position of being a leadership coach and a trainer at work. Could this all be prep work for me???? Hmmmmm.......
So, bring it on God~! I'm ready! I am ready and willing to take the next step in this journey, so let's go!!!
Finally found some time to sit down and blog a little. Problem is, I can't quite get my brain working in that direction - so I have no idea what to write about. So I guess this will be a mish-mash of random thoughts.
First of all, I have been a little down in the dumps these past few days. Nothing major....but I think it's still part of getting used to the fact that my marriage failed. Dang that hurts. I am NOT thrilled about this. And honestly, not looking forward to going it alone. But, I will not let it get me down for long - no sir-ee!
I also discovered that my payment for the electric bill bounced (stupid mistake on my part). I have absolutely NO money until next Friday....so I'm expecting my power to be cut off this week. First time ever. That is humiliating and frustrating and makes me want to cry....but what can I do? Before you ask - it was already past due. And no, I have no family to 'borrow' from. 'sigh'
Have had a GREAT weekend with my son, though! We've had fun! I actually stayed home with him Friday. That is because my soon-to-be-ex hubby doesn't grasp the fact that a 4 yr old needs REST and a regular schedule. He keeps him out at all hours of the night and constantly at someone else's house - there is no down time. So, by the time I get him - he's worn out. Therefore, I elected to stay home with him and let him sleep in. And he definitely did that!
He even asked that we stay home today too. So we hung out and played. We played cars, Mario Bros. on Wii, and watched movies. We then went outside and he took turns riding his motorized jeep and motorcycle. I sat on the porch swing and read my Barnes & Noble NOOK. Now we are settled in for the evening and we're watching umpteen episodes of 'Blues Clues' .
I rearranged my living room furniture twice today too. Ended up with the way it was in the first place. *sigh*
As far as my journey I'm on with God - it's about the same. I am seeing a LOT of things lately with very different eyes. A lot of it is rather depressing in that I see where I screwed up and could/should have done things differently. But, it's too late now. I'm older, fatter, slower, and soon to be single. But, I trust God and know that He is revealing this stuff to me for a reason.
All I know is to tell others to NEVER take your relationships for granted. Always maintain a servant heart. And be thankful for every single moment you have with them!
Hello! Just checking in again. It's been a few days. I keep having headaches lately - so by the time I get home, I'm not too interested in the computer. I think it's the front that finally blew in today.
First, let me tell you that I really learned a LOT at church this past weekend. And I think EVERYONE who is in a relationship or thinking about a relationship should listen to this (see the one dated 9-19-2010). Yes, it says it's about sexual fulfillment - but don't freak out or be turned away because you are already satisfied, thank you very much! Just listen. I would put money down that you learn a thing or two! This is about RELATIONSHIPS not the actual act of sex.
Of course, as you know if you've been reading my posts - my hubby has moved out. So, this particular sermon was not expected to speak to me much. Boy was I wrong! It did big time. Not in just things that I think we could have done better in relating with each other - but other stuff too. It was very enlightening.
Speaking of hubby - I can't recall if I mentioned this before or not, but I had texted hubby one day a while back and asked if he would still be willing to go to marriage counseling. After all, HE had suggested it prior to our little trip to the mountains. And, even though we are separated doesn't mean that we couldn't try to work things out - right? Well, he didn't answer. I let it go and didn't request an answer. Typically, when he doesn't answer - it's because the answer is 'no'.
But, after the sermon, I really felt like I needed to try one last time with him. So I asked again. He clearly stated "No" this time. So, I decided I better get my act together for real. All this time, I kept hoping that there was some shred left. Something that we could still hold on to and try to build from - know what I mean?
When he stated that he had no interest - it was a bit of a turning point for me and so I told him that I would let him go. He thanked me. He apologized for not making it work.....and assured me that this decision had nothing to do with another woman. Blah, blah, blah....
I then went to visit my attorney to see where I stood and what would need to happen to make this final. Since hubby and I aren't fighting over anything - it will be a simple process. I hope. Now, don't get me wrong - I am not rushing out to get divorced. I still don't want it to happen - but I can't make him love me either. So I just need to be realistic.
I also have to work to get the money together....so it will be a while.
In the meantime.....I will journey on. And LOTS of things have been taking place as far as God and me! I will have to fill you in soon.
I haven't posted for a few days. It's been hectic around here. I'm still on the emotional roller-coaster with my hubby. So not much has changed.
I will say that I have been trying to sort out my feelings. I feel like such an idiot on one hand. And a quitter on the other. And I suppose it will depend on the reader's views and belief system in which one I would be labeled.
I can honestly say that I really CARE about my husband. I even like him most of the time. I heard a while back that Love is not so much a feeling as a choice. If that is true - then I may love him too. If it's feelings.....well, then I can't say that I do. That part died quite some time ago.
I DO believe that God can move in our lives and if we are willing, He can heal and repair. However, the key word is 'willing' - which is the difficult part. I have made a conscious effort to be open to God's will and allow Him to work in my life. I desire to remain married because I know it's God's will AND I believe He can make a difference. However, I also have very frank conversations with God. And He knows that I don't feel I can take my husband back and live the way we had been....there would definitely have to be changes made. On BOTH our parts.
However, my hubby is not feeling the same. He is fine to work with me (we work at the same place) - and we are doing fine with relating with each other when it comes to our son - for the most part. BUT, that is it. He is NOT willing to go to marriage counseling. He is NOT willing to do anything more to try to repair our marriage. So, knowing that God allows us free-will, I don't see that things will get any better.
So, I went to visit an attorney today. To see what it is going to cost me to 'let my hubby go' once and for all. Yes, I know that I can wait it out and make hubby pay for the process.....but is that REALLY in my best interest? I'm not so sure. I do have to think about my future and my rights when it comes to our son.
Later, I told hubby I was going to 'let him go' - and he thanked me. He apologized for not being able to 'make things work'. Dang that hurts. I hate it. But, life goes on.
So, I guess I simply ask for prayers from those who are praying people - that God be with us as we go through the process and ultimately that our little boy will be okay. That hubby and I are able to create a secure and loving environment for our son.
In addition: I have decided to sign up for Weight Watchers online. Just to give me that additional boost I need. I have been a little slow at the tracking part....because I tend to 'forget' (thank you Fibromyalgia). But, I'm getting caught up and looking forward to getting this RIGHT! Wish me luck!
Also due to the brain fog that comes with the Fibromyalgia - I have forgotten to take my St. John's Wort for the past 3 days.....and boy, am I feeling it! I hurt from head to toe......just about every inch of me. I've placed the bottle where I cannot miss them in the morning - and we will hope that things get lined back out! AND, I am continuing to pray and speak with God about my healing. I believe it's in process....it's working.....it just takes time.
Been watching the new season line-up of network television shows this evening. So far, nothing really excites me. I will comment more on that later in the week when I get to see some more.
Part of having Fibromyalgia is insomnia. So here I am, knowing I need to be sleeping because I do have to get up and go to work tomorrow....but I can't! Grrrrrr! So, I thought I would do as I promised and give you a little bit of history on myself.
I don't usually talk about this much because I'm not proud of my track record. But, in order to make it thru this journey I'm on, I probably need to revisit my background just a tad.
I grew up moving around all over the United States. My dad worked on the pipeline and therefore, we traveled constantly. It was a decision that my parents made early on - that IF he were to take the job, WE as a family would stick together. A lot of families would only be with the men during the summer months and then go back 'home' during the school year. Not us. And I have NO complaints, whatsoever! I LOVED it!
Dad made good money too. So we never wanted for anything. I was extremely shy....but because people were drawn to me, I could usually make friends quickly. It's funny, but I can recall places we've been and certain incidences that took place. But for the most part - my childhood is pretty much a blur. And I'm not sure why that is.
My mother was an alcoholic. I didn't even realize that until I was in 6th grade. I remember thinking that she was 'scary' sometimes, but I just took that as being who she was. It wasn't until my dad took a job overseas and we stayed behind for two years - that things started becoming clear.
Mom was not a falling down drunk. Nor was she a slob. Instead, she was always very well put together, sharp, kept a spotless home. No one knew. But I suppose that as the loneliness set in while Dad was gone, things got outta hand.
My brother is 7 yrs older than me - and he always seemed to get the brunt of her rage. Once I realized what was 'wrong' with Mom, I figured out why he was always 'out' - away from home. It didn't take me long to follow his example. As a matter of fact, at 11 & 12 years old, I was out walking the town at all hours of the night - just to avoid dealing with her.
She wasn't physically abusive - although I can recall a couple of times that she would sit and 'stew' about something in the middle of the night. Then, you would find yourself being yanked outta bed by your hair so she could accuse you of whatever it was that had her fired up. I recall her trying to slap my brother on more than one occasion too.
There is only two specific, life-changing events during this period that I can recall. I don't know if as a defense mechanism, my mind has shut the rest out or what. I haven't figured that one out just yet.
One: I don't recall my age - but can say that I was still young enough that I didn't know why Mom was 'weird' acting. It was just who she was to me. Dad was outta town for the night. So I wanted to sleep with her. She said that was fine. I recall getting settled in, the lights were out and I rolled over to glance at my mom. I saw VERY clearly, the most evil, scary look from my mom. It scared the hell outta me. I still cry to this day whenever I think of it. I don't know if it was the devil or not....but it's the closest thing I've seen! All I can say is that it was NOT my mom looking at me. And the evil in her eyes was very clear and bright. I never slept in her room again. Years later - my mom would tell you that she truly believes that Satan had a tight grip on her back then.
Two: I was 12 yrs old. We had to enter a project into the Science Fair and one into the History Fair. I did - but it wasn't easy. Dad had not been back from overseas for very long - but I recall trying to sit at the kitchen table to work on my project one night. My mom was on a rage and reached over to smack my brother. She missed and hit his glass of milk instead. Which in turn went all over my project. Then in her feeble attempt to clean it up - she smashed half of it. I remember my dad stepping in about that time and telling her not to ever touch either of us again.
Then, the night that the kids and families were to go to the school to see the results of the judging. Dad was outta town for a couple of days on a small job - we hadn't started traveling as a family again yet. That night, Mom was wiped out. She started in on me on the way to the school. So whenever we got to a stop sign, I jumped out of the car and walked away. She sped off. I ended up going to the school alone. I found that I had won 1st place on my Science project & 2nd place on my History project. But I had no one to share the joy with. No one ever knew either.
To this day - both of those incidences stand out. The recall jumps up at the oddest times.
I can tell you that my dad ended up putting my mom in a treatment center the summer between my 6th & 7th grade. She was gone for a month. My brother had already moved out - so it was just me and Dad. I was in heaven! I loved it - and so when they called my dad in to tell him that it didn't look like the program was working for my mom, I was also glad. I wanted her to die. The problem is, back then it was almost impossible for the husband to get custody of the kids. So, my dad had a choice, they said. Divorce her and move on, but know that he would most likely have to leave me with her. Or ride it out and wait for her to drink herself to death. He chose the latter.
But, somewhere in that very last week of rehab, something clicked for Mom. I was NOT happy. I didn't want her back. I hated her. And I was devastated that the peace I finally had was going to be yanked away from me once again.
She worked her program though. And eventually we all worked through our fears and pains and was able to become a family. We forgave each other. Well, except my brother. And I don't think he has ever gotten past most of it. I think it is because by the time all of this happened, he was out of the house and therefore he never got to see her improvement up close. She never drank again, btw. It was definitely for life for her.
Okay, well I will continue a little later. I believe that I will now attempt to go to bed once again!
If you aren't familiar with Fibromyalgia - here is a brief video .
And, here is a laundry list of symptoms that go along with it - here. You might be surprised - even if you are pretty sure you know about it.
So, I was diagnosed earlier this year. My doctor didn't even want to give me that diagnosis. He said that he truly believes in the disease - but hates putting that 'stigma' on people. He understands the lack of compassion and understanding that people (including other doctors) have about it.
But, as he says - once you've run all the tests and tried all the 'cures' to what's ailing you.....sometimes there is nothing left to say.
I am not a person to get on the bandwagon and get involved with awareness groups etc. But as I am learning more and more about the symptoms.....and can actually see where some of my symptoms were coming on EARLY in my life - I want to speak up a little.
I want others to be aware. No - I DON'T want your sympathy. Just your understanding that I may not be able to do all the things I would like to do....or that you would like me to do.
Heck - one of the reasons voiced by husband as to why he left us - is that HE believes I can/should fix this. And I know that I can't control it at this point.
The good news is....that I believe that one can and should continue to see what works even temporarily for them and do it so you can enjoy life! I for one take St. John's Wort every day - and it has helped more than any drug the doctor has tried so far.
But the BIGGEST change for me is that I am praying and having faith that God has healed me. I know that I simply need to allow the healing to manifest in me....and that I may have some 'other issues' that I need to address in order to allow that healing to take place. That's okay. I'm learning. And slowly, I am feeling better!
Sure, I still have bad days.....today hasn't started out the best, for example. BUT - it's not as severe as it was in months past. So I KNOW that God is working in my life!
Thank You, Father - for healing me and taking care of me as always! If there are any other Fibro sufferers - I ask that You show them the healing powers of Your love and give them peace from the pain.
I went to Saturday nite services at church tonite. And although the sermon is part of multi-part series on marriage and relationships - there is STILL so much to learn!
The one thing that really hit me this evening is how we women have the gift of talk - way more than men. Okay, so this is nothing new, right? But what I mean is that we (women) tend to want to correct the situation by talking. We think we can coerce or convince the other person (namely men) to change or shape up based on our talk.
But the truth is - it will usually back fire on us. It even tells us in the bible to let GOD do the tending. We are to simply live our lives in reverence and love for God. In turn, it will spill over into love and respect for the other person (spouse). Our ACTIONS will communicate more clearly than our words ever could.
This does not mean that we are a doormat for abuse. And it doesn't mean that we are never to speak up to let the person know that our feelings have been hurt, or something is bothering us, etc. But rather than jumping on them, we speak calmly and with respect and love. Then let it be. If it doesn't change anything - that's between them and God. For more info read 1 Peter 3:1-22.
So this sermon really hit home with me (see my previous post here). I realize that many times, I've said more than I should to my hubby. For instance, I wrote him an email a day or two ago and really let him have it. I had really tried to be the way I knew God would want me to be in this situation. And I know it's not His will that our marriage fail.
I was doing pretty well until the most recent stuff - again mentioned in the previous post. And, I blew it! I felt like I needed to 'voice' my views and how he hurt me and how he was hurting us as a family. Shoulda kept my mouth shut, I guess.
So, I am repenting and asking God to forgive my shortcomings. I am praying that He continue to hold my hand and help me through this. And I'm asking Him to help me to remember that He is in control. All I can do is pray. Pray for my hubby. My kids. My marriage. And that is what I plan to do!
WHY do people find it fun to play mind games on others? I don't mean little jokes for the enjoyment of everyone involved - to create laughter. But the kind where they say or do things and then do a 180 or pretend like it never happened, etc. It's like they they get some sort of kick out of making others around them miserable.
That's the way the hubby works. It seems he enjoys saying one thing, then going back on his word. And yet at the same time, he will let on like it was an innocent error. OR make it out to be something that I made up or dreamed up. Grrrrr!
I used to get frustrated about it but kept excusing it or forgiving it because of the differences in our backgrounds. You know, like it takes a while to get in tune with each other. But as the years went by, it became obvious that this was really something that he enjoyed doing.
To give you an example of the cruelty: When my daughter was about 9 yrs old, she had been begging for an above-ground swimming pool for quite some time. One day we were out shopping and he stated, "Hey D, you still want a swimming pool?" Of course she gets excited and says yes. He tells her to come with him. We both follow him - she was so thrilled and I was totally stunned because I wasn't expecting it.
So we all walk together to the pools. He then says, "Okay - here, if you have the money, you can buy it." Wha??????? Needless to say, she was crushed. I was PO'd once I recovered from the shock.
Fast forward to this week. I've already told you that he walked out a couple of weeks ago. So we've agreed to remain cordial not only for our son, but because we work together. We've done okay - not great, but okay. For now, we had agreed on a specific schedule for who would keep our son on what days. But, he tells me a couple of days ago that his mother would be in town for one day only - and it's one of my days to keep "A".
I agree to swap. And therefore the plan is that hubby will pick up "A" at daycare after work today, keep him overnight and then the two of them will drive to a neighboring town about an hour away (where his sister lives and where his mother is going to stay). Now, let me first say that when he first asked about the arrangement, he didn't actually tell me that it would be in this other town. He just let on like it was here in this town.
But, I overlook it and went with the arrangement even after I found out. Then about 3:30 this afternoon - he calls to say that he can't pick our son up tonite. Wha???? "Okay" I say, "What happened?" He says that he can't drive his car that far (which is true, the transmission is going out) - and so he is riding with someone else. Again, I agree. I also have to drop my plans for the evening - but it's my son, so I don't mind.
He never mentions tomorrow. So, I finally called him and he said that he would try to get his sister to stop by in the morning. I try explaining to him that I need to know for sure so I know when to have "A" ready. He says, "Just have him ready by 8:00." Now some of you may think I'm being a you-know-what, but I want to know who is taking my son. AND, I don't want to get him up and ready only to find that no one comes, you know? So I tell him as much. He finally agrees to make the arrangements and then call to confirm the details.
Finally about an hour ago, he texts me to say that "L" (one of his sisters) will be here at 8:00 to pick up our son. This is the ONLY one in his family who does NOT have my permission to take care of my son, pick him up, drive with him in the car, etc. He and I have agreed to this for years. She is an air-head. I'm pretty sure she likes her drugs from time to time. She is in this country illegally. And she drives worse than anyone I know!
So, tell me....WHY does he do things like this!?!?! Of course I have to disagree and tell him 'no'. And what does he do? Makes ME out to be the bad guy. Good grief. Just grow up and move on - that's what I say!
Why am I dumping all this garbage here? Just to say that I am really struggling to keep my emotions in check. I'm really trying to be the bigger person and not fight with him. I'm trying to forgive him as God would have me do. And every darn time I think that things are finally on track, I've found peace with the situation......he pulls this stuff.
I simply do not understand what joy a person could get out of doing things like this. Really.
So if you are a praying person - I would appreciate your prayers for our situation in that we could find a peaceful resolution to all of this.
And, now I'm tired....so I'm headed off to bed after I tuck my very disappointed little man into bed. He was looking forward to seeing his grandma (Abuela).
One day while sitting under a heating pad at my physical therapist clinic I stumbled across a magazine called "Oxygen." No, it's not Oprah's magazine "O" - but is a fitness magazine for women.
Besides providing constant awesome tips on exercise etc., they really promote "Eating Clean".I find myself wandering back to this as I walk thru my struggles with my health.
Deep down I know that this is how we all should eat. I know that I would benefit from changing my habits and moving more towards clean eating. So, what's my hang-up you say?
Well.....so far it still seems overwhelming. It seems like a LOT of work to prepare for meals. They say in many of the recipe ideas that it's simple....but it looks complicated to me. Heck, some of the ingredients I am flat clueless about!
I believe that is fear. And a lame excuse - don't you think? So, I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep chipping away at it until it's a comfortable thing for me.
Have you seen that show "Dating in the Dark" yet? It's on Monday nights. I've been watching it off and on. Mainly out of curiosity and the lack of anything worthwhile on television.
I realize that this show, like many others are 'staged' if you will. That doesn't surprise me....nothing on television is real anymore. But it amazes me how goofy so-called adults are these days. Or have we always been that goofy and it just so happens that it is now televised? Hmmm...... Nope, I do not remember ever being that silly. Sorry.
So you get to hear the reason why these people choose to try dating in the dark. It's usually something along the lines of "I want to be chosen for who I am, not what I look like." Yea, right. The minute they start in the dating, they start working to see how athletic the person is, how active they are, they want to touch and feel so they can guess what one looks like.
Then starts the dating. And sorry guys, but most of them are absolutely ridiculous! If the men out there really are like that - then count me out. Ick! They come on way too strong. They are way too self-centered and assuming they are God's gift to all women. Really!? Then why did they even bother to take this challenge on???
Whatever, like I said - I know it's staged for the most part. But I can't believe that we as a society feel that this is entertaining and worthwhile.
So I'm now on a mission to figure out how to get into shape. To lose weight. To feel better. Yes, I know it's as simple as realizing that one needs to burn more calories than consumed - right?
Well, if you struggle with your weight as I do, you KNOW it's NOT that simple! It's much harder than one thinks. Especially if you are not as young as you used to be.
I have a friend who is like my twin. She struggles just the same as I do. Out of the clear blue one day, she started looking better. Her skin was cleared and the dark circles under her eyes were gone. She looked.....like she felt better, even though she hadn't exactly lost any noticeable weight.
I asked her what happened and she told me about a detox program that she and her husband do from time to time. She told me about how much better she felt - like she was now ready to face the battle of her weight. And then she started a diet program that her dad told her about (he had lost 86 lbs at that point).
This inspired me greatly! So, when I finally worked through some other physical issues I had at the time (like trying to learn to live with Fibromyalgia - which had just been diagnosed), I decided I would do it too. I ordered the food for the weight loss program and was ready to go.
I KNEW that one of my difficulties would be not only caffeine withdrawal but also sugar withdrawals due to giving up my soft drinks. Unlike most, I never did learn to drink the diet or sugar-free soft drinks. Some ingredient in them makes me feel really sick. So I planned for this by taking a little time off of work to do the detox program. That way as I started feeling bad on days 3 or 4 (as most ppl tell you will happen), I could be home to deal with it rather than trying to concentrate on work.
I did great on the detox program for TWO days only. Then my heart started palpating like crazy. I have an irregular heart beat - and whatever is in the powder must have a negative effect on me? It scared me, so I quit doing it. BUT, while doing it even for only the 2 days - I discovered that I had no withdrawals as expected. And I did start feeling better by simply eating the healthy stuff.
So, I figured this would be a breeze to move right on to the weight loss program. Day 1 - I survived, but felt awful. Sorry folks, but I never have been able to do those silly shakes - which most of the program consists of those. Day 2 - made it only half-way. I'm such a quitter! Grrrrr!
By the end of the week - although I didn't actually 'do' the program, I was attentive to what I ate etc. And, guess what!? I lost 7 lbs the first week! Woot!
Then we went out of town....on a real family vacation. And needless to say, I blew it big time. I gained 4 lbs back.... But, I didn't feel the need to be hard on myself. I KNEW that I could do it by being sensible and paying attention to what I consume.
Sure enough, I lost those 4 lbs. again. And here I am now. Ready to move forward. I went shopping yesterday trying to be very selective in my choices and planning ahead for my meals. I think I did alright!
So I've mentioned that I'm overweight. I'm 100 lbs. overweight as a matter of fact. And I hate it. I'm miserable. So do something about it - right!? That's what the soon-to-be-ex husband says.
It's just not that simple. First of all, one has to find out WHY they got where they are in the first place. And to be honest, I'm not completely sure. I have done a little soul-searching on myself from time to time and this is what I have so far:
I was always thin growing up. Too thin, many thought. I was simply comfortable and who I was. I never worried about what I ate or when I ate. We usually sat down to eat whenever the mood struck or hunger except for supper time. Mom always cooked a yummy supper.
Not to sound egotistical, but I was also very attractive. Cute when I was a kid. Pretty when I entered middle school. And according to most - pretty darned hot by the time I hit high school.
I didn't start actually gaining weight (meaning too much weight) until after college and I got married. Yes, I know. I know. People always say that about marriage and weight-gain. But hang on!
I have no idea if any of this is really related or not.....but I've thought about it and wonder if there is a connection. No, not wonder....I'm pretty sure there is. I just haven't figured out what else there is that might be a reason for my weight issues.
Here is what I have discovered: I recall when what I thought were hunger pains started - I mean like, wanting to eat when it wasn't my usual time to eat. I remember wondering why in the world I wanted to eat and craving things just because. Now, I didn't actually go ahead and pig out or anything....but it was definitely present in me. And that was when I first started having sex in high school. Like I said, I haven't gotten it all figured out yet....but I do believe there is a connection somehow.
My true weight issues started once I was married. And it came on fast. I got married for all the wrong reasons and out of depression, I ate. I became an emotional eater. And the more I hurt, the more I gained weight. And of course it all became a vicious cycle.
At that time, it wasn't like I had really gained that much. I was pushing it....but not so much that I was really considered overweight. But I felt HUGE. I felt miserable - which only fed the cycle more.
I maintained that 25-30 extra lbs for years. Then when I had my first child, it was like my body had a major negative reaction and I simply blew up! I remember my mom saying she did the same thing when she was pregnant (but she always lost it right after - she was never overweight). I had loads of complications all through the pregnancy and in the end swore I'd never have another child because of it - of course, if you've read my bio, you know that I did have another - but it took me 14 yrs to do it again!
I never lost a pound after the pregnancy and slowly gained a little more. I then maintained that weight for almost 13 years. Now, I do have to say that during this time - I cannot tell you that I 'struggled' with my weight. Yes, I wanted to lose weight and yes, I was miserable. BUT - I believe there was an underlying reason why there was no effort on my part.
You see, I had always dated and had a boyfriend in school. I never went without one. This alone gave me a sense of power and pride. But it also gave me security (now I know it was false security). However, I now see that because of this, I never really knew who I was.
Another thing: I found it to be a constant battle with guys/men. You see, because of my looks and my body (all the right curves) - guys were always after me. No one really wanted to know ME. They just wanted the arm-candy or a roll in the hay or both. Sure, some would say they wanted friendship and/or a meaningful relationship, but they never could keep it that way.
So, I believe that on some level, I chose (not knowingly) to remain overweight because for the first time in my life the guys left me alone. Therefore, in some way, I believe that this was my shield. My protection against rejection, dishonesty, pain which I usually experienced with the guys I met. I was just shy and timid enough to never know how to be confident and say 'no' to guys.
When I chose to have another child, I again gained weight. But this time I lost that which I gained. I went back to where I was prior to pregnancy which was still overweight.
So here I am now. Overweight, 45 years old and desperately needing to do something about it. I'm done with being miserable. I'm done with allowing guys to tell me my worth/value. I'm done with not living life to the fullest. I'm done with the aches and pains and ill health.
Now I just have to figure out HOW to lose the weight......
I have so many things running thru my mind. I don't even know where to start. I suppose that this is part of my journey - the part that God is revealing to me. But I find myself not only being confused, but saddened and worried and anxious.
Don't get me wrong - I have NO doubts about God and His love for me. None. But it doesn't alleviate what rolls around in my head. I went to a place for healing last week and the couple who prayed over me also spent an hour and a half speaking on different things concerning one's relationship with God etc. The man mentioned that when all of that 'stuff' starts up in the old brain that it is 'the Evil One' messing around. We should command the 'the Evil One' leave us alone immediately.
So I've been doing that. A lot. And, I do believe it is helping. However, when the hectic part of my life starts up.....I tend to fall back into the old habits again. *sigh* It's SO tiring! I will be glad when it becomes a more natural part of my being.
Here is an example: After 9 years, my husband walks out on us. I think I may have mentioned that in a previous post. I don't feel like addressing the specific details at this time.....but basically, once the shock wore off, I'm now finding myself wanting to celebrate. At the same time, I'm feeling guilty about that. I KNOW that it is not God's will for a marriage to end. I KNOW that it is the devil's desire to destroy that which is of God - ie., marriage.
So it's a constant battle to tell myself to stop saying and thinking the negative things about our marriage, about my spouse etc. And at the same time, remind myself that the guilt part is part of the devil's work too. *sigh* Just writing this out is exhausting to me - see what I mean!?
Now in this example I will tell you that I truly want this marriage to reconcile and work not only for our young son, but because it's God's will and I don't want to be divorced. I heard recently that love is not a feeling but a choice. So I suppose I can say that I do love my husband....but I'm not IN love (meaning with the warm, fuzzy feelings). And, I DON'T want him back unless things were different.
And believe me, I'm NOT blaming all of this on him. Although I DO blame him for bailing on us without exhausting ALL other options.
Well, this is enough for now - I need to take a break and get some stuff done around the house.
My 4 1/2 year old son ("A") has been itching to go to Chuckie Cheese for quite some time now. So I promised him we would on Friday (yesterday). So off we went with big sis ("D") too. "A" was SO excited!
"D's" boyfriend also met up with us there. We ate pizza (and salad for me) and played games etc. Then took off for the boyfriend's high school football game. The weather was perfect!
However, it was a miserable time! Wanna know why? I'll tell you!
I think it's kinda important to mention here that this school is considered one of the best in our area. Now, I've never just fallen into that assumption - because I didn't grow up here. What I have always seen is that it is SAID to be the best because it has kids from the most affluent neighborhoods in this area. Know what I mean?
So, what do I find when I get to the game? A bunch of loud-mouthed, rude kids just going wild. It was literally crazy! And here's something interesting. My daughter and her boyfriend arrived to the game ahead of us because I needed to make a stop on the way. So they met us at the gate and said, "Mom, just warning you now, this place is nuts! These are the rudest people you have ever seen! I hate it here!"
Now, I tend to let a lot of what "D" says roll off of me because she tends to get a little over the top at times. But unfortunately not this time! The entire place was packed with people. You couldn't hardly walk anywhere once you entered the gates, much less make it to the bleachers. Was it because there were too many people, you ask? No. It was because none of them would MOVE! They all just stood in their little clusters blocking traffic and didn't care.
Okay, so I can ignore that once I could squeeze thru the crowd. Or so I thought.
We finally make it to a spot on the bleachers. It was on the 4th row from the bottom, but in the top section. Meaning the walkway dividing the upper and lower section was right in front of us. It was the only available space by the time we got there.
So, I expect to see foot traffic in front of us - not my first choice, but again I can live with it. HOWEVER - they started piling up down the entire length of the stadium in that walkway! It was awful. You couldn't see a bit of the game. Kids of ALL ages, meaning most should have KNOWN how to conduct themselves were running and jumping on each other. Not giving a care to who they trampled in the meantime.
Yes, there were security guards there to ensure safety....but I believe they must have been hanging out at the concession stand or something because we never saw one until the last 5 minutes of the game. He finally came around to 'remind' them that they weren't supposed to stand in the walkway - per the signs everywhere.
Not only that - but those who were in the bleachers behind us would literally JUMP OVER US in an attempt to hop over the rail to get into the mob on the walkway! I can't tell you how many would jump, stomp or push their way over our shoulders and feet - and NEVER say 'excuse me' or 'I'm sorry' or anything! Even if we said something to them - they just looked at you like we were speaking a foreign language!
My son got scared. Hell - it made us all feel as uncomfortable as all get out! Oh, and you know how USUALLY when your team scores, you jump up and applaud etc? Well my daughter and her boyfriend did that during the only ONE touchdown we could actually see. And what happened? Some jerk of an adult yelled at them to 'sit down' - and they had just stood up! Really!?!?!?
Needless to say...we will NOT be back to the 'rich kid' school games anymore. Not if they act like animals! It was SO hard to try to explain to my young son why people were acting in such a rude and ugly manner when he had been taught not to act that way.
We will go back to our little middle-class school games. At least people are kind and respectful there.
So - today we are off on another adventure with the kids. I'm SURE this will be much more fun. Then church (we go to Saturday service). And then, it's video game night. The teens are coming to play games at our house ALL NIGHT LONG! I should be nice and tired by tomorrow, huh?
I guess I should first explain to you how I currently stand. Then, in another blog or two, I will give a brief outline of my background/history. And, if you care to, feel free to journey alone with me to see what God has in store for my life now!
My husband decided to walk out on me last week. We weren't arguing or anything. He just hops up all of a sudden, says he feels really bad - "but he just can't be here anymore." What!? "I just don't want to do this anymore. I'm leaving." Needless to say, I was left quite speechless for a bit. Yes, we've been struggling for quite some time (which I will explain in later posts) - but we were laying there cuddling and watching television and BAM! This happens out of the clear blue!
Please understand that I'm still reeling from all of this and am so exhausted I can hardly function. So if I don't blog for a day or two in between at first - that would be the reason. Hang with me.
Our beautiful Four-Year-Old son is not handling it perfectly....but is okay so far. He tries real hard not to cry - he wants to be strong for his daddy. But he's worn out - and I know its because of all of the stress.
My daughter (from a previous marriage) - is also on a roller-coaster of emotions too. I don't think she realized how this would effect her. Again, because of the history here.....I will leave this alone until I can fill you in completely about her situation.
Part of the reasons for him walking out - is my health. He sees "himself pushing me around in a wheelchair w/an oxygen tank in 5 years. And he doesn't want that." Okay - so let me clarify to you that I am in NO WAY in that bad a shape. Yes, I have fibromyalgia - which means I am in constant pain. BUT, I have found how to lessen it and make it tolerable. And Yes, I am overweight. But I don't have a lot of health issues related to it and I AM trying to lose some, thank you very much!
Again, I will say more later. But wanted to just say that even thru the stuff that has been happening this week - I'm still receiving God's blessings! I had been praying for Him to move in my life and to reveal a path for me. And it's happening!
I can hardly wait to tell you about it!
Until next time....if you are a praying person, please pray for my family. If not, that's okay - please stick around just the same.
Hello! I am a simple person just trying to make it through this life. And survive what life has to offer or throw in my way. My blog is titled "Call Me the Clay" - because I believe that God is the potter and I am the clay - and He's not finished with me yet!
I will start by telling you a little about myself here....but will save most of it for upcoming posts. The purpose for this blog is to discover what the Lord has planned for my life. I have loads of life experiences to share in hopes that while I am learning and/or discovering what's next for me, maybe you can receive a nugget or two of helpful information too.
I'm open to making new friends, and truly appreciate any feedback you might care to leave. But please know that this is my journey and my posts are NOT here for debate for convincing others whether you believe what I believe or not.
Okay - I am a 40+ year old mother of 2 children. My daughter is a beautiful, vibrant 18 (*sniff)year old. My son is a cutie....and a handful! He's 4 1/2 years old. And no, before you ask - he was not a mistake or unexpected. He was very much planned. But I will get into that later.
All my life people tend to draw near me for advice. I don't know why that is - but they do. Some call it a gift. Maybe it is...but sometimes its a real pain! I have my own garbage and though I never mind listening and offering words of comfort or advice (when asked for it) - it sometimes becomes too much to carry.
I believe that is where I am now. I have finally burned myself out and am suffering from it in many ways. Including my health. I am miserably overweight. I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I suffer from depression. I think I have forgotten how to truly enjoy life.
But that's okay. This is why I'm here planning to pour myself out on these pages. I've been thru loads of 'stuff' and am finally starting to see that I need to deal with some of it. Face it and then put it away - with God's help, of course.
The Lord has really been moving in my life the past few months and honestly, it has not been enjoyable. BUT, I believe that He knows best and evidently I needed to go through it. He's not done yet - I get that. But the light has finally come on for me and I look forward to what comes next!
So, join me in my journey and maybe we can both learn a thing or two! I look forward to making new friends and welcome everyone!
So hubby and I have been having some real heart-to-hearts lately. And they have been extremely heart-breaking...for me anyways. Not him.
